The Perils of a Pimp Mom

March 17, 2008 13:39:00 Posted at March 17, 2008 13:39:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

This is what happens when your mother is more interested in pimping you than she is in raising you. Not only do you become a drug addict, so used and loose at only 21 that even the p*ssy posse wants nothing to do with you wants nothing to do with you, you also piss a once promising career away.

It’s not surprising then that Dina Lohan has failed to impart upon her daughter the intangible essentials of being a girl and consequently one of the most important girl essentials: how to stare down and beat down a bitch.

We’ve all stared down a bitch. We girls, we live for confrontation. We live for accompanying our girls to a party where the “other girl” happens to be. The girl who keeps hitting on her boyfriend. The girl who doesn’t get girl code. Our girl will show up and she will be perfect from head to toe. She will be flanked by the best and brightest. And that other twat will shrink from the superiority of our superiority.

Said it before and I’ll say it again… girl sh*t is complicated. And we girls learn our lessons early. Many of us from our mothers. My mother is the best at teaching girl basics. As a girl she herself would run with the mahjong hens on homewrecker beat downs all the time. My mother has cussed out a philandering douchebag more often than most of us have made out drunk at a party. She has belittled the most offensive whores, sometimes with a cutting tongue, sometimes with just a cutting eye. She has called out gambling cheaters, she has even taken a paddle to a dirty skank trying to scam on her brother. According to what’s now become Yuen Long legend, my mother’s Chinese Chicken squawking could be heard several miles away, across the water in Macau, as all foot and motor traffic came to a paralysing halt while ma chased the loose lady down two blocks before cornering her in a bakery. She reduced that slag to a whimpering mess before leaving with an egg tart in each hand. True story.

The point? As my mother’s only child, I’m not good for much but I am very good at girl game.

And Lindsay Lohan sucks at girl game.

Friday night, she was booked to host (in place of Britney Spears) the Scandinavian Style Mansion event in Beverly Hills. Lilo showed up and apparently lost her sh*t as soon as she saw Ebola Hilton’s name all over the sponsor boards. She then refused to stay, made off with a swag bag full of luxe items, and left the party organisers in a lurch. Of course when Paris heard about it, she “graciously” stepped in and came out the diseased hero.

Needless to say, if Lilo had been raised right, she would have stayed. She would have stayed and she should have recruited her girls… girls who would have gladly taken care of the situation. We have our ways. And if we had our way, she would not have turned up – again! – with at f*ckin’ ugly Dirty Face… a face that looked like John Mayer had been peeing on it for a full hour straight. Half old bronzer, half urine rash.

Girls don’t let girls lose against Ebola. Girls with girlfriends always come out on top. And gracefully. Why don’t these girls have girlfriends???

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