Madonna’s Jesus Juice

Lainey Posted by Lainey at February 3, 2010 11:30:58 February 3, 2010 11:30:58

So she’s investing in some kind of magic water from Brazil that promises eternal youth. It’s called Vita Coco, aptly named because it’s mixed with coconut milk. Please. You know where this is going. Michael K will be all over this Fountain of Spunk if he isn’t already.

Was it the juice from Jesus’s motherland that held them together? Sure. But now she’s found her own formulation. Which is why they’re supposedly no longer Madonna and Jesus.

Instead, it’s single Madonna who may or may not be sword fighting with ARod and John Mayer sending piss samples to his most ardent fans to see if his brand of douche juice will yield the same effects.

Last week, we had a breakthrough moment when my friend Kiu, after a bottle of wine on Saturday night, declared that he would totally do Helen Mirren. He routinely texts me during Modern Family to groan about Sofia Vergara. Kiu is about as lascivious as they come. He’s also the one who taught me about getting “strange”. His conversations with Jacek are totally locker room. I tell you this because there are men, many men, who prefer a graceful age over a frozen age. And many, if not most, women who would agree with them.

But not Madonna.

It’s not just that she’s butchering it with terrifying results, it’s also that she’s sending a message: that without the needles, peels, and injections, she’s not good enough to look at. For a woman who has crafted an entire iconography on self reliance, self control, determination, and confidence, the dichotomy between her aesthetic and her gospel is devastatingly embarrassing.

Click here for more on her new juice.

Photos from

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