We gawhta Transfowmah

March 5, 2014 17:52:52 Posted at March 5, 2014 17:52:52
Sarah Posted by Sarah

We’re about three and a half months out from Michael Bay’s latest seizure-inducing CGI nightmare, Transformers: Age of Extinction, a movie which continues to defy odds by not being called simply Trans4mers, which means it’s time to start rolling out trailers. So after a teaser during the Super Bowl, we now have the first “teaser trailer”, which is two and a half minutes long. There seems to have been a linguistic shift and we’re now calling the first trailer the teaser, even though “teaser” implies just that—a tease. Like what we saw during the Super Bowl. A thirty-second tease. At two and a half minutes, this is a full blown trailer.

Lack of linguistic precision aside, it’s pretty much everything you expect from a Michael Bay movie. That is to say: Loud, explosiony, visually incoherent, and full of pumped-up men doing MAN THINGS while women shriek helplessly and suffer gratuitous T&A shots. At least the robot dinosaurs look cool? As for the plot, it’s... Something about Texas? And apparently we can kill Autobots now? So they call in robot dinosaurs to…rescue…them? I don’t know, there’s no real effort being made to communicate a story. It’s just the same “Transformers fight each other on Earth while people try not to die” as the previous three movies.

But can we talk about Mark Wahlberg being from Texas? Because I laughed out loud at that. Set the movie in Texas, fine. Cast Mark Wahlberg, fine. But please throw a “Boston pride” sign somewhere in his general vicinity at some point because hearing Wahlberg say “transfowmah” is unintentional comedy gold, and “we gawhta rule abawht messin’ wit’ people frawhm Texas” just about killed me. I can’t wait to hear him say “Awptimus Prime” and “Awtah-bawhts”.

Hey brawh, in Texas we don’t gawhta listen’ to yawhr supah seecrit govuhment bullsh*t. We gawht us a Transfowmah! Awtah-bawhts assemble or some sh*t, I don’t know, brawh, do whatevah. We gawht some brews and we’re goin’ tah watch the hawckey game at Tawmmy Delaney’s place.

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