A conversation between Michael Bay and Marc Evans
This conversation occurred on October 31 between Michael Bay and Marc Evans, president of production at Paramount. Evans replaced Brad Weston just days after this conversation in 2010. Once again, this is 100% accurate*, and the conversation took place on a fan boat in a swimming pool.
Michael Bay: Marc! It’s good to see you buddy! [waves with loaded shotgun]
Marc Evans: Um, hey Mike. How’s it going? Maybe you could put down that gun.
BAY: I can’t do that, Marc. We’re hunting velociraptors! “Put down my gun”, haha, you’re funny Marc.
EVANS: What are you hunting?
EVANS: [gapes, then sees movement behind the water slide] Is that…someone dressed up in a velociraptor costume? Michael—are you firing live ammunition at a human being dressed up as a velociraptor?!
BAY: Of course! What else would I be doing? Spielberg hasn’t delivered on his promise to bring me a live velociraptor yet.
EVANS: So you’re shooting at a person?!
BAY: It is the most dangerous game, Marc.
EVANS: You can’t do that! It’s totally morally wrong, not to mention illegal!
BAY: What? I wasn’t listening. I never hear anything past “can’t” or “don’t”.
EVANS: That…actually kind of explains everything. So listen, Mike, we need to talk about the next Transformers movie. We need to start getting some casting decisions firmed up.
BAY: That’s what this is! This is Josh Duhamel’s audition for Trans4mers!
EVANS: Are you telling me you have Josh Duhamel dressed up as a velociraptor and you’re hunting him in your backyard? With actual bullets?
BAY: Duh Marc, geez. It’s like you’ve never heard of hunting before.
EVANS: That’s not “hunting”, it’s “attempted murder”!
BAY: To-may-to, to-mah-to.
EVANS: [speechless horror]
BAY: So anyway, Marc, what else did you want? I’ve got Kate Upton coming by in a bit to wax my floors as a screen test for my movie.
EVANS: Which movie?
BAY: Does it really matter Marc?
EVANS: I suppose not. Let’s just—let’s just talk about Transformers 4.
EVANS: That’s what I said, Transformers 4.
BAY: You’re not pronouncing right. It’s Trans4mers. But yes! This will be a great movie, Marc. I’ve got ideas, big ideas!
EVANS: Good—let’s hear them.
BAY: I’m thinking about going beyond space this time, Marc, I’m talking really epic more-than-space stuff.
EVANS: But there’s nothing “beyond space”. There’s just…more space.
BAY: The Autobots travel past space to confront what’s left of the Decepticons at the edge of whatever is at the edge of the universe! I’m leaving that part up to my science guy.
EVANS: Your science guy? I didn’t know you’d hired consultants already.
BAY: Oh yeah! His name is Toi Tran! He delivers from that Vietnamese place.
EVANS: You hired your Vietnamese food delivery guy as a science expert?
BAY: Of course I did! He’s Asian! He knows Science!
EVANS: That’s…not how that works, actually.
BAY: [fires gun, VelociJosh goes down] Josh? Buddy, you better not be faking again!
[VelociJosh slowly gets to his feet and runs toward the house, yelling for help.]
BAY: That Josh. Always joking around.
EVANS: Listen, Mike, it would really help with the financing if we had a firm name or two attached to this project. Have you talked to anyone about starring in the movie? And by “talk” I don’t mean “tried to murder them in your backyard as part of some kind of bizarre safari”.
BAY: Well, honestly, I hadn’t really thought of it, but then the Internet said I should cast Mark Wahlberg, so I think I’m just going to do that.
EVANS: Cast Mark Wahlberg? That’s not a bad idea, actually. And you’ve already worked with him on Pain & Gain, so it’s not like he doesn’t know what a f*cking lunatic you are.
BAY: What was that, Marc? It sounded like you just said something mean about me. You know that never ends well, Marc.
EVANS: No no—I didn’t say anything. I was agreeing with you. Mark Wahlberg, great idea! Good job, Internet! Good job, Mike!
BAY: Why thank you, Marc. Sometimes I think you don’t like me, what with all your “memos” from “legal” about “psychologically terrorizing” the “people” I “work” with, but you’re a sport, Marc. Much better than Brad. He was always crying for some reason.
BAY: Well, that’s all the time I’ve got today, Marc. I’ve got to go spend some time looking at LOLCats, working on my storyboards. Those LOLCats! Always up to something. It’s really inspirational stuff, Marc.
EVANS: This is going to be the worst movie ever, isn’t it?
BAY: Of course not! It’s directed by me and inspired by the Internet! What could possibly go wrong?
*Accurate = IN MY MIND