Little Tokyo: the rumour
August 14, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at August 14, 2006 12:00:00
Cue usual disclaimer: dear legal eagles - below is gossip, conjecture, silly smut…the ramblings of a complete psychotic. Totally unbelievable because your client has singlehandedly redefined virile, especially when it comes to pumping his punch on the playground. Read on… There is the most delicious blind item floating around, one that has resulted in a motherload of your emails, courtesy the clever, dirty, genius gossips at Holy Moly. A mole was in a club in Tokyo recently and witnessed perhaps the most bizarre incident I have ever heard. It was a very exclusive invite-only club and our mole was with a friend when it looked like it was suddenly "snowing" inside the club. It wasn"t snow at all, but was actually thousands of small white feathers gently fluttering to the ground. His friend went to investigate and came back ashen-faced saying: "Go round the corner and tell me that what I"ve just witnessed is not a dream." So the mole went, as instructed, around the corner and saw two go-go dancers gyrating in front of a booth. On closer inspection, he noticed that sat in the booth was a Very Famous Unmarried Hollywood Actor Prone To Starting Litigation If His Sexuality Is Ever Questioned. The actor was ignoring the go-go girls as he had "bigger fish to fry". Well, to be more precise, he had an almost-naked and very young man on his lap. Being spanked. While biting a pillow. And waving his head around so violently that the feathers were flying everywhere. Are your panties in a knot? Mine are. How great would that be… if it were legit??? But here"s the thing - as much as I adore this story, as much as I adore where it"s coming from - isn"t Holy Moly is so brilliantly bitchy? - I"m inclined to categorise this as wishful thinking. Because while I so wish it could be true, it"s almost too good to be so, you know what I mean? The GMD has been battling queer forever. Two decades of speculation and rabid fascination with his maybe gaybe status without so much as a credible lover or one who isn"t immediately squashed by the almighty Church. The public nature of this story is what leads to doubt, knowing that he has been on Operation Straight at Defcon 4 levels for the better part of 2 years and given the scrutiny over his penile leanings, it is exceedingly unlikely that the man would go into a club and allow a nubile young lad to thrash all over his million dollar package. And on the off chance that he did, wouldn"t you think there"d be a hundred bodyguards surrounding his "booth" with little to no mobility for any other minions eager to get a glimpse? Trust me when I tell you, and I"m sure Andrew Morton will likely do the same, that powerful people pay for privacy. They pay for pre-arranged carnal visits that hunker deep inside the caves of cover up - purchased pleasures in the safety of purchased time, well away from prying pappies and prying snitches who can build an inheritance for 3 generations based on a report this earthshattering. He is smarter than that, gossips. Hate to admit it, but he is. As they all are. Even The Dancer knows better, preferring to curtail his naughty predilections to the safey of a massage bed, with only one witness present, a he-said, he-said situation that can only be circulated but never confirmed. You see the power of the Training Program? Do you really think they can rise to such elevated levels of alien ranking without passing tests, tests that allow to them unlock their gaygays only when the moment is right? Because when the members err, they err on the side of Hetero, never on the side of Homo…savvy? Next the timing. We do know that Tom was in Japan to promote MI:3 around the time of the Kidman nuptials, before dropping his children off in Australia for the ceremony. That was almost 2 months ago and I wonder - why would it take nearly 8 weeks for this kind of sh*t to hit the fan? And while we"re at it - even at the height of the homo hurricane, even among the most connected gay snitches, it is widely agreed upon that the GMD would not concurrently play AND parent. From everyone I"ve talked to this weekend, all believe that it would have been inconceivable for him to take that kind of a risk with his kids around AND with Paramount breathing down his neck on a promotional visit. Finally… not conclusive to say the least but suspect nonetheless. Consider also the venue of the alleged poofter party. An exclusive Tokyo nightclub. Be that as it may, we"re also talking about Japan, where they practically have cameras built in to their nipples, attached to digital photo booth machines connected to instant photo printers that can spit out photo stickers that can be slapped on cell phones before you can say Hello Kitty. Don"t even try to tell me you"ve never seen this. My people are legendary for it. The point? The point is it took Andrew Morton months and months of blood, sweat, tears, and threats to research and dig for the goods. Rumour has it he has locked down a multi-million dollar legal insurance policy in preparation for the big fight. And THAT, my fellow gossips, is our best bet for a legitimate GMD exposé. I can"t f*cking wait.