Granny humps for Matt Damon
Did you see Jimmy Kimmel Sucks hosted by Matt Damon last night? I was Nyquiled so I only watched this morning, in bits and pieces because the entire show is geo-blocked and YouTube has the individual segments spliced up. Heads up Americans, before you send a recommendation, Hulu is geo-blocked too.
Anyway it was great, because Matt Damon is great, and not just because he has a great sense of humour but it’s also the commitment that was required to pull this off -- he would have had to spend time with the writers and rehearse and not just pull a movie star move and roll in and out of the studio like he’s too good to stick around in front of a live studio audience for a couple of hours. He’s also not afraid to hit up his friends in service of a good show.
When Matt Damon calls, for Jimmy Kimmel, who’s not unpopular either, you’re more likely to get a “yes”.
Which is why there were so many celebrities guests, in person and on tape. I’ve included as many YouTube clips as I could find of the episode -- see below -- but I’d particularly like to focus on the Nicole Kidman and Demi Moore parts because...
Granny Freeze walked out, straddled Jimmy, and humped him. Pelvic thrusting shot from behind in green skinny jeans.
She was really, really fun for the rest of it too. Which is why I’m a c-nt for pointing out that her face seems newly swollen in several areas, particularly the Third Lip. It’s too distracting to ignore. Wasn’t she cooling it for a while with that sh-t? Evidently not.
And then there’s Demi Moore. You know, I always used to say that Demi was smart about tweaking in moderation so that it never seemed too obvious. Well... she’s moved on to the next level now. It’s all flattened out now. And only her lips move.
Is she allowed to do whatever the f-ck she wants with her face so long as it makes her feel better? Sure. Of course. Just don’t sell it to me like you’ve found the inner peace meaning of life, you know? I’d rather you just say...
I want to look young. I DO NOT WANT TO AGE. To borrow from Mariah Carey, I REBUKE AGING. And I will fight it until I die. I will inject it and squeeze it and laser it and cut it and burn it and anything else they invent because I hate the alternative.
That’s how Joan Rivers explains it.
Better that than the constant moaning about finding your own truth, and confronting who you are while wearing a red string and insisting that it’s wrong to obsess about what you look like. God, Demi might need friends more than Jessica Simpson.
Sarah Silverman should be her friend. I’d like to believe Sarah Silverman would be honest, more honest than most of the assholes in LA. Am I dumb?
Here are some more videos from last night’s Jimmy Kimmel sucks: