Granny Freeze: the Miracle of Modern Medicine

April 23, 2008 06:08:00 Posted at April 23, 2008 06:08:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

In more ways than one.

Have you ever seen a woman work bump the way Gran is working her bump? Last week her bump was a molehill. This week is a bubbling volcano. Nicole Kidman spoke at a UNIFEM press conference yesterday at the UN and bordered on Rossum with her incessant bump-highlighting antics that had some people distracted and others wondering why she didn’t just hire a man to walk around with a neon arrow point at her belly. It would have been way less obvious.

But Granny Freeze is determined to prove to you that she’s pregnant. Sigh. Oh Freezy, we get it… you want us to think you’re pregnant. We totally believe that you want us to think you’re pregnant. Isn’t that good enough?

It’s like when you’re arguing with your husband, you know? About him taking you to the movies. And finally he says, OK, we’ll go to the movies. And then you extend the fight by another 15 minutes because it’s not good enough to go the movies, you need him to WANT to take you to the movies.

Similarly, it’s not good enough to believe that Gran is having a baby, Gran needs us to believe that she’ll be pushing that baby out of her own womb. And if she could, she’d probably sneak a pap into the delivery room, not that anyone would particularly care at that point about her birthing her child because if granted access to the scene, what would be more interesting to any gossip worth her smut is whether or not Gran’s face would move in the painful throes of labour.

Bet your concrete tits that Nicole Kidman’s cosmetic surgeon is SO skilled, her forehead would remain frozen, even as she’s squeezing out an 8 pound baby.

And on the subject of that forehead, she had to work pretty hard to get it to register a furrow yesterday.

Granny Freeze has amazing connections, non? That smooth skin, those plump lips, the best weave in the business… if only she’d share her secrets. Woman to woman it could be her greatest gift.

Photos from Splashnewsonline and

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