Granny Freeze is Fertile?

September 4, 2007 00:00:00 Posted at September 4, 2007 00:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

The new Vanity Fair – Nicole Kidman is on the cover looking very blonde and very young and very plump in the lip and very, very frozen. But also very very beautiful. In that beautiful frozen way.

But the article promises to be even better than the photos. It’s her most “revealing” … here are some highlights:

The Fertility Issue
Personally I don’t believe them but Nicole has long been hounded by those hilarious rumours – I’ve heard at least three variations myself: “My fiance’s father is a doctor and he went to a conference and they talked about hermaphrodites and Nicole Kidman can’t have babies because she is one.” Or… “I grew up with the neighbour of the doctor who delivered Nicole Kidman and she is a hermaphrodite”. Likely total rubbish, but given the fact that she was married for 10 years to the Gay Midget Dwarf and adopted two children, most people preferred to blame her perceived biological peculiarities over his fondness for the pool boy, which is why the infertility reports have dogged her for ages. Which could explain why she meticulously went about hiring a country husband. Which could also explain why suddenly, this woman who claims she “craves privacy” is talking about something as personal as a miscarriage in the pages of a glossy magazine!!! Don’t you love hypocrisy?

In the article, Nicole reveals to VF Senior West Coast Editor Krista Smith that she and Tom “lost a baby early on” and that it was a “very traumatic experience”. So traumatic of course that she felt the need to unburden herself and share it with you and me. How generous.

On her desirability
One of the most gift actresses of her generation – I could not get enough of her in The Hours and this is perhaps one of the reasons why…why it is almost insulting to witness the Freeze, the over-Botox of Nicole Kidman, especially when that face is capable of such enormous range. But behind the frozen fixation is a deep insecurity. Why else would she immobilise her instrument? To the point where critics now watching her films can’t help but be distracted by the stiffness of her forehead?

In the same vein then follows the marriage. And the assurances of togetherness and the sappy love songs and the posing and now…the public disclosure that there was indeed an engagement to another man before meeting Keith Urban, though she stops short of outright naming Lenny Kravitz.

Nicole said, “it just wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready. We weren’t ready.”

How convenient, non?

And while we’re at it… f*ck privacy, right? Especially when you’re now 40 and feeling ancient in age-sensitive Hollywood where the stars keep getting younger and younger. F&ck privacy when you need to appear desirable.

On the Fraud
As I always say – if you believe that the Gay Midget Dwarf is the Gay Midget Dwarf, if you get the chills, chills, chills when thinking of his sinister machinations, so you should paint Nicole Kidman with a similar brush. She was trained by him, she is versed in strategy, she has learned from the best. And she is still drinking the Kool-Aid.

“My agents told me, ‘Once you become Mrs. Tom Cruise, you do know your career is going to die. You’re going to absolutely shoot yourself in the foot.’ I was appalled. I was like, ‘Hello? I’m in love, and I don’t care if it’s shooting myself in the foot. I’d much rather be married and have a family.’ I just saw a guy who rides around on a motorbike and happens to be the biggest movie star in the world. But I was in love with him, which is why I think we lasted 11½ years together. I have no regrets in that relationship.”

Do you love how she had to mention he rides around in a motorcycle? Another hit-you-over-the-head reminder that Tom Cruise is the most virile, hetero man on the planet? I totally believe her.

More intimate details about her relationship with Keith Urban and her thoughts on religion in the new Vanity Fair, on newsstands tomorrow.

PS. Click here for the magazine"s photo retrospective of their cover subject - compare her face from 2002 to now... I miss her.


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