First up - never mind the bag o" bones standing beside him. We"ll get to her later. Besides, she"s not long for this world, you know what I mean?
Next - please be assured that I have no idea if he"s gay although the casting couch conspiracy theorists are slamdunk convinced of it. What I do know however is that MY gays practically clawed each others" eyes out to get to the front of the line when the movie opened, ceremoniously anointing their new favourite super icon. A beefcake in blue tights with what may or may not be a digitally enhanced package - is there any wonder why the entire queer community has been in collective orgiastic heat for almost 2 weeks?
Sorry, girls. Many of you have written, imploring me to throw him on the Freebie 5 and while I can see (sort of) what the appeal is, I"m afraid my loins just aren"t feelin" Brandon Routh. We"re talking comatose, lights out, not even a tremor.
Perhaps it"s the gaydar spinning uncontrollably on my nightstand, perhaps it’s the thought of Kevin Spacey, salivating his way around the set, or perhaps it"s just his goofy looking head, and his please ma"am thank you ma"am, milk and cookies are so delicious, goofy looking smile. Perhaps it"s the combination of all 3. But at the end of the day, there is simply no danger to Brandon Routh. No hidden Depp secrets, no perverted Beckham proclivities, nothing to indicate that your headboard would need replacing the next morning.
Now I"m not saying that Brandon"s boredom is as bad as Bloom"s embarassing post-coital whimpers, but a little excitement wouldn"t hurt would it? And at the end of the night - isn"t that what the Freebie 5 is all about?