Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dear Gossips,

I posted this article on June 1, International Children’s Day. Children getting pimped out by their parents. Amazing.

I don’t have children, but I am my mother’s child. My mother might be a crazy bitch, but at the very least, my mother never wanted me to become Miss Hong Kong and, in her words, “cheap out in a bathing suit for some wrinkly old Asian perverts”.

These kids, they don’t have a mother like my mother. I am afraid to live without my mother. That day will come. And then what? Some say it’s a crippling, oppressive existence: there are days when I can’t even scratch my ass without her approval. But I cannot make a decision without her. And when it comes to major decisions, there is no way until she has a say.

Especially now that we’re househunting. Who knew you could get sick from househunting? I haven’t been right for days.

We had our eye on a place recently. We were so interested, we were ready to do the baby test. The baby test is a Chinese thing. You find a place, before you put in an offer, you get a baby in there, under 2 years old, to sweep through the place. If the baby is at peace, calm, normal, you know the place is clean. If the baby wails, fusses, is uncomfortable, DO NOT BUY and get the hell out.

So I’ve been borrowing my friend Julie’s baby for these house visits. And we were about to borrow the baby again and then my mom started calling. My mother, she never worries for me. She only worries about herself. But she’s been worrying about me constantly this week. Then she saw me on tv on Monday and she knew there was something wrong. I emailed her the photos of the townhouse we were looking at and she called back 5 minutes later:

Don’t go back there
, she said. Do not go there ever again. And by all means don’t you bring your friend’s baby there either. That place is dirty. That place is making you sick.

Needless to say, we’re not buying it. We killed the search.

As for being sick, she told me it’ll be a few days, that my body will be ejecting the badness, and wouldn’t you know overnight there was a purge, this morning there are pimples, but my headache is totally gone, my body feels like it’s mine again, and mom made it better. I know it like I know my own name. What will happen to me when she’s not around?

Why are these parents parading their daughters around in full mascara and bathing suits on red carpets?

As for the househunting, Westerners often scoff at this kind of mythology. It’s up to you what you believe – just like gossip: it’s a buffet. But if you are interested in this sort of thing, and reading your emails it seems like you are, be careful when you househunt. NEVER look in the mirrors. And always do the baby test.

Wednesday – scroll down for late posts from yesterday including a Twilight casting update. Today: Taylor Kitsch! And my shamef-ck resurfaces, grosser than ever.

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

Chris Pine bails out

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 17:35:08 June 3, 2009 17:35:08

He was universally ridiculed when word leaked that he was dating Audrina Patridge. Kinda like John Mayer and Jessica Simpson… only worse. Which is why he shamefacedly skipped the carpet at the Movie Awards on Sunday. ShameFace is the worst with cameras around. And now Hollyscoop Full Story

Glamour Shamef-ck

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 15:52:47 June 3, 2009 15:52:47

He’s at home in London and attended the Glamour Magazine awards last night, all of his most disgusting attributes tweaked up to the top of the dial. The flared nostrils. The silly attempt at eye to vagina penetration. And those feet. Oh my God those feet are killing me. Anyway, as I mentioned last week, Ed has been confirmed to play Heathcliff in a new adaptation of Wuthering Heights. Full Story

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George’s new piece

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 13:26:40 June 3, 2009 13:26:40

Us Weekly reported in their last issue that this is George Clooney’s new piece. Her name is Lucy Wolvert. Guess what she does for a living? Well of course she’s an aspiring model/actress. But Lucy is also a cocktail waitress! According to the magazine, they met in Miami a few weeks ago and have been together since. Full Story

Two favourites

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 13:15:21 June 3, 2009 13:15:21

Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman at the UK premiere of Last Chance Harvey. Look at them dancing! The cutest! Dustin also brought along his wife Lisa and their daughter. He ADORES his wife. Has done for many, many years. And they’re naughty. More like HE’s naughty. When I interviewed him in Cannes last year he kept joking about men being horny. Full Story

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Sit DOWN Emile Hirsch

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 12:42:00 June 3, 2009 12:42:00

Laura is still bitter about the fact that I made her leave the Du Cap that night in Cannes while Robert Pattinson was still there on the terrace. Click here Full Story

Remember this photo?

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 11:33:05 June 3, 2009 11:33:05

I wrote about this the other day. Click here to read more. So there’s the photo… and then there’s the VIDEO. Miley Cyrus’s little sister Noah Lindsey and her friend announcing themselves to the world. Full Story

Smutty Tingles

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 11:12:00 June 3, 2009 11:12:00

We are surrounded by f-ckery (Dlisted)

What happens when a cute girl stands next to Marion Cotillard (Hollywood Tuna)

Where you can buy your JailBait (E! Online)

I forgot Heather Graham existed (The Superficial)

Vagina Virgin imitates Justin Timberlake (Just Jared)

Kristen Stewart looks f-cking GORGEOUS (Pop Sugar)

All she does is lick her lips (Drunken Stepfather site NSFW)

Spencer confirms Audrina’s one night stand. And Chris Pine is still an idiot (INO)

When useless girls give ultimatums (Webster’s is my bitch)

The Mentalist and the Alba Bitch (ASL)

He’s getting papped now!

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 09:28:12 June 3, 2009 09:28:12

These are not the best photos of Taylor Kitsch. The combination of beard and the way his hair is flipped out at the sides… I can’t defend it. At least he doesn’t care though. At least it’s not planned that way. But how proud are we that he’s getting papped at LAX? Yesterday, TK on his way out. Full Story

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Manslinger’s “somewhat serious”

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 08:28:17 June 3, 2009 08:28:17

My favourite quote of the week. People.com reports that a source says that Kate Hudson and that f-cking loser Alex Rodriguez are “somewhat serious…he introduced her to a bunch of his friends”. Somewhat serious? Is that like somewhat pregnant? And what is Manslinger’s definition of somewhat serious anyway? She’s always somewhat serious! Last summer she was somewhat serious with Lance Armstrong. Full Story

LipGloss Blender Legs Moist Face

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 3, 2009 07:54:48 June 3, 2009 07:54:48

Really? You know who you are. You out there – you find this attractive? Really? Because I keep finding new things that are UNattractive about Zac Efron. You already know about the LipGloss, my husband can’t stand his mangled looking legs, and now … why is his face always so moist and dewy. Full Story

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