Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dear Gossips,

Madonna’s new doc, I Am Because We Are, is screening here in Cannes but not officially party of the festival and 700 journalists are trying to get in to the press conference just before. She’s also doing a carpet right before the presentation. We have a spot on that line today and, if I can avoid getting crushed or refracturing my arm, there is a slim chance I might get to talk to Madge. If Shiloh does shine on me once again, I’m going to ask Her Madgesty where to find her kick ass sling. It would make a 4 eyed gimp look slightly less dorky.

Busy day ahead – it never slows down here. Interviews for Atom Egoyan’s Adoration are today including Scott Speedman. Then it’s straight to the Madonna madness, then a kick ass private party at some chateau. All details tomorrow. For now, me and my bum elbow humbly offer you the following… I promise – when I get home, there will be more every day.

Thanks so much again for your understanding, your patience, all your kind messages, the virtual bouquets, and even the hate mail. I love it all.

Yours in gossip,


Madge and Gay Reeshay

May 21, 2008 10:32:45 Posted at May 21, 2008 10:32:45
Lainey Posted by Lainey

They just arrived. Guy is with her. He"s f*cking hot. But if we"re going to play body language assumption, it just doesn"t feel right. Posing together is almost perfunctory. Or maybe that"s because I"ve just spent a week quivering over Pitt Porn. She does look happy though. And the top of her dress is gorgeous. Full Story

Smutty Tingles

May 21, 2008 09:04:00 Posted at May 21, 2008 09:04:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Am waiting for Madonna"s red carpet right now.  She"s expected to monter les marches!

In the meantime, Denise Richards is a lying hag and get tingled by my smutty partners.


Get pissed on for $10 (Dlisted)

How Jess is keeping Tony (Hollywood Tuna)

My Rumey pretty in the "Peg! (INO)

Jude downgrades to a green thumb (Holy Moly UK)

Sienna can see again (Cele|bitchy)

Ugly becomes art (Gallery of the Absurd)

How Kate Learned to Play

May 21, 2008 07:04:00 Posted at May 21, 2008 07:04:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

The buzz on the Croisette this morning is that Goldie Hawn was spotted at the VIP Room last night openly making out with some dude who was NOT Kurt Russell. Totally not caring who saw her. There"s been word for a while that she also spends quite a bit of time in London getting romantic with a gentleman companion. Full Story

Ebola Desperate to Spread

May 21, 2008 06:18:30 Posted at May 21, 2008 06:18:30
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Seal your windows and protect your children… this is Ebola Paris Hilton leaving a medical centre yesterday. Rumour has it, she`s been desperate to conceive and is rather frustrated that it hasn`t happened yet. Yes. That f*cking disease is trying to procreate. The world is about to end. On a lighter note, Ebola is still at it with her fragrance enterprise and will be launching a new cologne later this year. Full Story

Guy Comes to Cannes

May 21, 2008 06:06:16 Posted at May 21, 2008 06:06:16
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Guy Ritchie is with Madonna in Cannes – are you surprised? Everyone else is. Here they are, out for dinner last night at Felix. Looks like Madge needs a touch up on her roots. But I do love her hair. Just me or does she seem way happier when he`s not around? Total gossipmongering of course…and still, the smutty tingles always get excited about this little arrangement. Full Story

Player Meets Player

May 21, 2008 06:02:46 Posted at May 21, 2008 06:02:46
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Love it. LOVE it. As you know, news broke late last week that Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are dealing with each other. Dealing and duelling… it`s the perfect hook up. Kate is a manslinger who has enjoyed a carefree year of attachment-free romance. Perhaps in Lance she`s met her match. Or vice versa. Full Story

Mrs Alba Bitch

May 21, 2008 05:57:56 Posted at May 21, 2008 05:57:56
Lainey Posted by Lainey

When Laura and I heard last night that the Alba Bitch had quietly married Cash Warren in advance of the birth of their baby, our first reaction was: She was ok with getting married not thin as a rail? All part and parcel of course of Jessica Alba`s continuing efforts to find a fan base… any fan base… that doesn’t only care to see her naked. Full Story

Pitt Porn Saturation

May 21, 2008 05:40:00 Posted at May 21, 2008 05:40:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

My favourite comfort food: sliced beef and tomato over rice with baby bok choy. Some days in university I`d eat it every day for like 2 weeks, then take a break for a few days, but always bring it back right away. Yum. I could use some beef and tomato now. But the point is, we all need space from things we love the most. Full Story

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My mother likes to talk to me in english on the phone in front of her friends. There are two reasons for this:

1. To demonstrate, in certain company, her superior speaking skills and

2. To remind them that she raised a child who "prefers" English over Chinese.

It sounds f*cked up, I know, but the actual conversations are a hundred times worse. She decided to honour me with an inspirational chat on Sunday as I was feeling sorry for myself and my arm. You will note that my participation on such occasions is entirely unnecessary.

Me: hi mom

Squawking Chicken: hi daughter! Mommy in Paris! Why you call mommy?

Me: you left me 5 messages.

Chicken: whaaaaaa! You want mommy come take care you?

Me: please god... No

Chicken: mommy cannot lah. Mommy back to Toronto tomorrow. Daddy miss mommy.

Me: really? Him?

Chicken: I know you miss mommy. But this? This nothing! Mommy almost die 4 time! Mommy has new kidney operation! What small thing - you one arms broking. Nothing to worry. Ok? Mommy go now shopping. Call mommy tomorrow. Bye!

In two minutes flat, my mother can still put me in my place. So I busted my elbow. It"s not a new kidney - not even close. Which is why it"s time to get back to smut. Only thing is it"ll take a little longer. Am typing with one hand. Once I get home next week the posting frequency should be restored. Til then, I beg your patience and hope you enjoy what"s offered.

Your messages have been so kind and uplifting and understanding. You can"t imagine how they helped at several lowpoints this weekend, especially when my geriatric roommate was getting her diaper changed. Thank you, love you, owe you.

Now... Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, and my Gwynnie has arrived. Details to follow along with why we hate Mischa Barton. Better a broken arm than the embarrassment of a broken heart begging for love. Sigh. Poor Jessica Simpson.

Your in gossip,


Ps. Two new pics of Marcus. My husband is asking him if he misses mummy in the first. And then wondering if he wants a treat in the second. Can you guess which one"s which?