August 6, 2008 – Smutty Shout-Outs

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 6, 2008 06:25:26 August 6, 2008 06:25:26

Happy 41st Birthday Andrew, even though you say you don’t care for smut. With love from your wife Jennifer. Belated birthday wishes to JJ the beagle who just turned 8 years old and still has an attitude problem when begging for food does not yield the desired outcome. For Lindsay – Happy 28th Birthday! Love Kim G. Full Story

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Dear Gossips,

The bad news for Jennifer Aniston is that they are everywhere. Beautiful photos of the angelic family of 8 (but only 5 of them are good enough to make the cover of People Magazine) are captivating the world – even her permanently erect nipples are powerless against the Pitts.

The good news is that the issue is supposedly selling briskly which means Jen won’t have to lay low for long. Who can resist the Chosen One’s photo in the corner, holding on to her new baby sister? The MiniVan couldn’t resist. Good strategy sticking the other kids on the inside pages and leaving only the purebloods on the front.

But, if you do actually care about the adopted ones, there is a gorgeous photo of Miss Zahara smiling down at her twin siblings as Daddy Brad tenderly looks on. If you haven’t yet been transformed by the Holy Jolie Twins, click here to receive your blessing.

Tuesday – am blogging all day, check back often.

And for those of you who had the day off yesterday…I posted a full column. Scroll down to get caught up.

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

PS. Courteney Cox can pay her bills.

The Other Knucklehead

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 16:41:05 August 5, 2008 16:41:05

A few years ago, after the death of her father, my Gwyneth gave an interview during which she lamented, in her snotty drawl, that she regretted wasting too much of her time dating a “complete knucklehead”. Diane Sawyer then pressed her about the quote later on ABC and Gwynnie seemed to acknowledge that she was referring to Ben Affleck, especially when she went on to note that “he’s got a lot of complication. Full Story

A Closer Look

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 13:47:55 August 5, 2008 13:47:55

Ok we have to go back to this. Because it’s not just tucked behind her ears… it’s actually cut right off. And the cut itself is all good. Even great. Am all over it. The cut in combination with the androgyny and the scientology and the looming gay midget, as ass backwards as that sounds, is what makes it creepy creepy. Full Story

Lost in the Twin Drama

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 13:23:00 August 5, 2008 13:23:00

It is Maddox Jolie Pitt’s birthday today. And since everyone is losing their sh*t over the biological wonders, how about a little Maddox tribute, even though the MiniVan isn’t so much interested in the adopted one? Maddox as a baby with Mom rockin’ his Maddhawk. Maddox hanging out with Colin Farrell (remember that?), Maddox finding his dad Brad. Full Story

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End the Rossum, Save the Child

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 12:45:00 August 5, 2008 12:45:00

This picture makes my life. Thanks to all of you who sent it along. It’s Rossum this weekend wrapping her Rossumness around an innocent child at some party. As you can see, not even a 5 year old can handle the sugar rape. Full Story

Robo Glam Butch

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 11:33:35 August 5, 2008 11:33:35

Man or Woman? Katie Holmes is not quite there yet, but YET is the operative word. The difference is butchy girls are proud of their style choices. Katie on the other hand really wants to be girly but must honour her husband and play like a man. This is Katie heading to rehearsal today in NYC, still wearing those assy jeans, but now they’re paired with accessories. Full Story

Snape’s New Brew

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 11:05:08 August 5, 2008 11:05:08

Alan Rickman. That’s all. Actually wait… that’s not all. Because he’s promoting a movie. And it’s called Bottle Shock. And it’s about wine. California wine victorious over French wine – say what f&ck? Indeed. It was a true tale in 1976 and now they’ve made it into a movie that drops this Friday with the impossibly brilliant Alan Rickman in the lead. Full Story

Lesbians > Nipples

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 09:22:47 August 5, 2008 09:22:47

While the MiniVan Majority is deeply offended over a nipple, curiously enough, apparently it doesn’t mind lesbians. It’s when gay gets in the way of their fantasies – that’s when it becomes a problem, see? Which is why, sadly, the boys get shafted while the girls get accepted. Full Story

The Silver Fox hates hags

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 5, 2008 08:12:00 August 5, 2008 08:12:00

Anderson Cooper and Tom Ford. Together. Can you imagine? Sigh. Gay men are so evolved. Especially the ones who are ready and willing to cut a bitch down. Of course you’d expect this from Tom…but from the Silver Fox too? Please. He’s the son of Gloria Vanderbilt. And he was temping for Regis on Regis & Kelly this morning. Full Story