Mrs Alba Bitch

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 21, 2008 05:57:56 May 21, 2008 05:57:56

When Laura and I heard last night that the Alba Bitch had quietly married Cash Warren in advance of the birth of their baby, our first reaction was: She was ok with getting married not thin as a rail? All part and parcel of course of Jessica Alba`s continuing efforts to find a fan base… any fan base… that doesn’t only care to see her naked. Full Story

Pitt Porn Saturation

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 21, 2008 05:40:00 May 21, 2008 05:40:00

My favourite comfort food: sliced beef and tomato over rice with baby bok choy. Some days in university I`d eat it every day for like 2 weeks, then take a break for a few days, but always bring it back right away. Yum. I could use some beef and tomato now. But the point is, we all need space from things we love the most. Full Story

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My mother likes to talk to me in english on the phone in front of her friends. There are two reasons for this:

1. To demonstrate, in certain company, her superior speaking skills and

2. To remind them that she raised a child who "prefers" English over Chinese.

It sounds f*cked up, I know, but the actual conversations are a hundred times worse. She decided to honour me with an inspirational chat on Sunday as I was feeling sorry for myself and my arm. You will note that my participation on such occasions is entirely unnecessary.

Me: hi mom

Squawking Chicken: hi daughter! Mommy in Paris! Why you call mommy?

Me: you left me 5 messages.

Chicken: whaaaaaa! You want mommy come take care you?

Me: please god... No

Chicken: mommy cannot lah. Mommy back to Toronto tomorrow. Daddy miss mommy.

Me: really? Him?

Chicken: I know you miss mommy. But this? This nothing! Mommy almost die 4 time! Mommy has new kidney operation! What small thing - you one arms broking. Nothing to worry. Ok? Mommy go now shopping. Call mommy tomorrow. Bye!

In two minutes flat, my mother can still put me in my place. So I busted my elbow. It"s not a new kidney - not even close. Which is why it"s time to get back to smut. Only thing is it"ll take a little longer. Am typing with one hand. Once I get home next week the posting frequency should be restored. Til then, I beg your patience and hope you enjoy what"s offered.

Your messages have been so kind and uplifting and understanding. You can"t imagine how they helped at several lowpoints this weekend, especially when my geriatric roommate was getting her diaper changed. Thank you, love you, owe you.

Now... Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, and my Gwynnie has arrived. Details to follow along with why we hate Mischa Barton. Better a broken arm than the embarrassment of a broken heart begging for love. Sigh. Poor Jessica Simpson.

Your in gossip,

Lainey

Ps. Two new pics of Marcus. My husband is asking him if he misses mummy in the first. And then wondering if he wants a treat in the second. Can you guess which one"s which?

The best blonde in Cannes

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 20, 2008 09:53:00 May 20, 2008 09:53:00

But who else? Laura was standing 5 feet from my Gwyneth today at her Two Lovers photo call and I couldn’t believe it when she actually offered up some positive remarks. Laura is the toughest critic and not Gwyneth Paltrow’s biggest fan. She’s also been crusty because her blackberry has been f*cked. Full Story

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A Friend in Clint

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 20, 2008 09:46:47 May 20, 2008 09:46:47

The presser today for The Changeling had a decidedly different feel than the one for Kung Fu Panda. I guess you could call it the Clint Eastwood effect. Less embarrassing questions about how she Angelina was “feeling” lest Clint get annoyed. He was not having any of that today although they did try. Full Story

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Angie & Gwynnie to clash?

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 20, 2008 06:34:40 May 20, 2008 06:34:40

Ok, gotta move. The presser for The Changeling with Angelina Jolie and Clint Eastwood is literally just before Gwyneth Paltrow’s for Two Lovers. Then tonight is The Changeling gala. More Pitt Porn!!! Will post, albeit slowly, when I get back! Note - this article is being posted on a time lag – this has already happened. Full Story

Healed by the Chosen One

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 20, 2008 06:24:00 May 20, 2008 06:24:00

The Pitts went shopping for baby goods yesterday in Cannes and the whole town lost its sh-t. This is because the Chosen One Shiloh was brought down from her home in the clouds for a walk among mortals. The paparazzi were well prepared. I received a text as I was leaving the junket that they were mobilising from their usual spots to congregate around the First Family, amused that they had decided on the busiest time of day and also the busiest day period to go “shopping”. Full Story

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Face to Face With Cate

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 20, 2008 06:15:23 May 20, 2008 06:15:23

Can’t believe she gave birth 5 weeks ago. Crazy talk. She was wearing a satin grey jumper with Balenciaga heels. Pink lips, little foundation, the most stunning creature you’ve ever seen. I told her I couldn’t believe she just had a baby 5 weeks ago. Then she grabbed her breasts and said “well these weren’t here before!” and threw back her head and laughed like the Queen. Full Story

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Meeting Indiana Jones

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 20, 2008 06:06:00 May 20, 2008 06:06:00

So I was discharged on Monday morning, we dashed to a random salon to get my hair shampooed because it was rank and stank from sickness, then over to the Carlton for the Indiana Jones junket. Unfortunately Shia had already left as he was on a tight sched but the publicists accommodated my pathetic arm and shuttled me through for Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett. Full Story