Jessica Alba: the big bang equaliser

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

On the weekend, collecting a very prestigious Spike TV Scream Award. Rumour has it, the Alba Bitch is easily threatened - can"t frickin" stand having anyone remotely attractive on set with her, working for her, around her, lest another beauty dare to eclipse her own. Such a shame really…that someone so attractive can be so insecure, to the point of not realising that there are probably very few women in women in the world who can rival her face/body combination and still the gossip surrounding her competitive nature has reached near legendary levels, and you have to wonder - if she"s so hellbent on being the best, she"s really not doing herself any favours with the fringe, is she? Because underneath those bangs, the Alba actually looks almost ordinary. Full Story

Tom & the Turtle

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

On George Clooney, I"m all over it. On Brad Pitt, on David Beckham - hell, even on Wentworth Miller…well, ESPECIALLY on Wentworth Miller all queers considered…but on Tom Cruise? A tight turtleneck on Tom Cruise? I object. He just doesn"t look right, does he? The jeans, the goofy way they hang, his stubby arms, his chest and gut, half way between middle age fit and middle age fat - I find it very, very, very hard to believe this man still makes "em swoon outside of Hello Kitty country, where emotionally stunted Asians run around with only half a brain and an auto-programmed giggle. Full Story

Lilo"s pinned pupils

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Here"s my girl, thankfully withOUT dirty face on Saturday night at the inaugural Malibu Celebration of Film. She has beautiful eyes, non? Two expressive pools of green/grey/blue accentuated even further by super dark locks and a curiously small pair of pupils. But only a coincidence…right? With all that talk of Rachel Zoe and crystal meth and providing more than just style advice for her star clients and given that some idiots in the press have called Lilo bloated of late - the fact that her pupils are pinned is really *just* a coincidence, right? She won"t be 5-10 pounds lighter in 5 days, right? A new lab experiment - keep watching, as will I. Full Story

LastWord

The Beckhams do not have matching cheekbones. Though if you take away the concrete tits and the kids and the marriage, you"re actually kinda close. Real time blogging will continue on Tuesday with fresh smut appearing at the top of the site. Til then, I am yours in gossip, Lainey

Karl & Kate: Manorexic and his Muse

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

His head is, without exaggeration, double hers. And though I vowed not to comment on her weight issues anymore, I can"t help but wonder if Karl Lagerfeld and his bitchbeating fan are the best influences to have around when one is trying to develop more positive eating habits. After all, you do remember Karl"s Code of Conduct Full Story

Diane Kruger: Trojan slouchy boots

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Can"t help it…automatic reaction when I see her wearing metal is to think of Troy. And when I think of Troy, I think of Orly"s wimpy whine and Brad Pitt"s bad acting and the overall sh*tness of that cinematic wasteland and then I wish I could get those 2 hours back - 2 hours of my life I should have spent sleeping or eating… anything but pissing it away on Troy. Full Story

Eva Mendes: The Queen of Just Miss

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Let me preface by saying I think Eva Mendes is fantastic: I"m thrilled her career is taking off, I"m thrilled she"s with Joaquin Phoenix, and I"m even more thrilled his morosity is getting a much needed lift from her Latina loving. But here"s the thing with Eva Mendes - is it just me or does she always just miss? Not a big miss but a little miss, just enough to throw you off, just enough to keep away the superlatives - is it just me? Have a look…two separate outings this weekend. Full Story

Johnny & Jennifer: just one night

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

It"ll never happen. Never, ever, ever, ever…I KNOW. But as much as Marc Anthony is her aesthetic opposite, isn"t Johnny Depp her aesthetic match? Here they are in LA at a charitable event the other night - she presented him with an award - and only he could make an atrocious make-up job look decent. Full Story

Natalie Portman: purple in Paris

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Do you like this dress she wore the other day to the Lanvin show in Paris? "Cause, um…I think it"s assy. Especially the droopy chest. And the old lady shoes and the old lady hair and the overall effect of looking like a 12 year old playing dress up. But that"s the thing about Natalie Portman, non? That she can look awful and still be gorgessity and I do worship her, I really, really do…and if anyone could wear Audrey Hepburn"s dress, it had to be her and while we"re at it - Jennifer Love Hewitt??? Do you remember that abomination? Do you remember how they shat on Audrey"s legend? What. Full Story

Thursday, October 5, 2006
FRIDAY OCTOBER 6 - FRESH SMUT Real time blogging continues... scroll down to see what you missed late day yesterday, check back often at the top of the page, right after this opening, to see new articles. And HAPPY THANKSGIVING CANADA!

Posh: Katie"s Paris + 1

October 5, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 5, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Holy heaving cleave! Check out Katie pouring outta her dress. Check out the diminutive Mrs Beckham making the normally normal-sized *Kate* look monstrous! Here they are again, in various stages of best friendship, taking Paris fashion week by storm. Funny thing is though - I"ve received several randoms emails from England this morning, all snarky and delightful (they do love to hate their Posh there), all cackling about Victoria"s stiff hand treatment. Full Story