Worst Taupe: Ben & Jen

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

Surprise, surprise. So the Afflecks have never walked a carpet together as a couple but on this night, with JLo in attendance, all of a sudden it’s not only a united front, it’s also happy happy PDA – everyone’s a famewhore, see? It’s just too bad Jennifer’s game came up so short. Taupe in a beaded white gown, totally washed out against pale lips and limp hair, taupe that bleeds and infects those around her, taupe passed on to her husband, once a rather exciting badboy, now equally as boring as Taupe – no wonder I’m almost asleep…  Full Story

Best Recycle: Jennifer Lopez

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

The third variation of this dress she’s worn since 2003 – the first in green at the Oscars with Ben, then just last November in mustard at the TomKat rehearsal dinner in Rome (see attached), now in black with a gold trim and a gorgeous back… but because it’s Jennifer Lopez, because the girl knows how to work it, because even that festering eyesore of a husband doesn’t seem so ugly next to her magic touch, recycling is not only OK…it’s actually rather brilliant. Full Story

Most Appropriate: SJP

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

The normally obsequious, over-extra, fawning, cloying Sarah Jessica Parker was replaced tonight but a beautifully understated and appropriately attired SJP. Not a nominee, not in contention, I love that for once she decided to downplay the desperation – baby breath voice kept in check, leaving the tail wagging, panting, “pick me pick me” pandering to Sienna Miller. Full Story

Best Quiverating Kazakh: Sacha Baron Cohen

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

If you’re about to pound out an indignant email about lack of class and propriety on an elegant evening – save the sanctimony…please. The man was AWARDED for a satirical performance about a racist, sexist ignorant beast – given that he earned that platform, what else did you expect him to say? Pictured here with his producer Azamat Bagatov – it’s official…Borat is NOT coming off the Freebie Five. Full Story

Best Body: Emily Blunt

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

I have no idea why she always looks so dour. Would you look dour with a body like that? Thin but fit, slim yet strong, every inch sealed in perfectly, and a perky ass to round things out… tonight Emily Blunt was spectacular. That is until she spoke. The charmless speech, without grace or elegance, and that voice…that familiar voice - Emily as Emily in Prada except Emily the starved assistant bitch was on stage at the Globes and all of a sudden in a different venue it really wasn’t all that funny. Full Story

Worst Beyonce Ever: Beyonce at the Globes

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

Considering her mother dresses her half the time, achieving an all time low at this years Globes really is quite remarkable…especially since Tina Knowles actually had nothing to do with this nightmare. And still she’s wearin’ it like it’s something to be proud of – it’s the curse of the child performer, you see? Britney, Lindsay, Beyonce …they’re f*ckin’ immune to this sh-t. Full Story

Worst Friend of Jennifer Aniston: Courteney Cox

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

No matter which way you slice it, this dress sucks donkey ass. ASS. All of it is ass - the fabric, the way it cuts off her arms, her makeup…all of it is ass. Southern. Belle. Ass. But curiously enough, those are also some very healthy looking breasts. Like expectant breasts. Shall we start a new rumour? Is Courteney Cox pregnant again? Source Full Story

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

Sweet victory in so many ways. Needless to say – hers is a great story, she deserves her success. But then there’s the B factor, how this must be eating B alive. And please…don’t bother arguing. Because it is most certainly eating her alive. And the best part is, not only was B’s ass handed to her during the awards, she was also eating dust on the carpet – Jennifer’s simple black dress a welcome contrast to the tacky ass drag queen otherwise known as Beyonce Knowles who has seen the end of her award season run… Praise Goddess. Full Story

Best Friend of Jennifer Aniston: Sheryl Crow

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

In eggplant Elie Saab and making Lance Armstrong look like a complete tool – don’t you love the way Sheryl bounces back? From heartbreak, from cancer, from the worst year of her life to the best she’s ever been…I was never a big fan of Sheryl Crow until Sheryl Crow shook off the Victim and wouldn’t it be lovely if Sheryl Crow passed on the same to Jennifer Aniston? Source Full Story

Best White: Salma Hayek

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

I know. I know the photos don’t do her justice. I know that if you didn’t see any of the pre-show coverage or the show itself, you wouldn’t have seen the way it moved. The way her body moved across the stage, the way her curves filled this dress, the way her breasts flounced gently to and fro and her hips spoke their own special language…Salma so glamorous without looking like she tried too hard. Full Story

Best Breasts: Helen Mirren

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2007 12:00:00 January 16, 2007 12:00:00

At 62 with breasts like these? As my cousin Dexy said tonight – it’s dirty but it’s dirty dirty good. And now she’s just toying with us, isn’t she? The best answer to Paris Hilton and the blonde Hollywood vacuum, to the incessant worship of youth and illusion – of all the young bimbos farting around Hollywood, who can hold a candle to the magnificent Helen Mirren? Certainly not Paris Hilton. Full Story