Told to be Contrite

May 9, 2007 00:00:00 Posted at May 9, 2007 00:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Is it contrition if it"s ordered?

You know what the scary thing is? The scary thing is there are some idiots in the world who will actually believe that she means what her lawyer told her to say. The good news however is that finally, finally, finally, Paris Hilton is beginning to understand the cold, hard truth: that she is universally despised, that she is universally regarded as – what Tina Fey called – a piece of sh-t. This statement acknowledges that she is finally swallowing her unpopularity…

Satisfying isn’t it? That she goes to bed at night faced with the prospect of prison but also with the hate – do you love it, or do you LOVE it? And do you love how suddenly, every day, Paris Hilton is trying to channel Audrey? As if a wardrobe could suddenly stitch up the black hole between her legs? But seriously…imagine Paris with no weave, no makeup, nothing to fix the wonk, wearing a standard issue prison uniform eating slop from the cafeteria… can you f&cking imagine???

Anyway, here’s the statement as released:

"After reading the media"s coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should -- no matter how slightly.

I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation.

No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse."


And here’s her statement if she had actually written it:

"After reeding the medias coveridge of my court herring, I feel the need to correct what I beleive are misperseppshons about me. I absolutely realize how serious drihving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or kiled wile I was driving wile impared. Clearly, no one should -- no matter how slightly.

I am ready to face the consikwences of violating proebation.

No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated proebation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated werse."


source

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