Pass on Ass
Written by Sasha
If you’re a long time reader of Lainey’s then you might remember a story about the Colin Farrell eye-fu*k. This isn’t going to be a braggy post, I promise, but now that the dude is single it seems like the appropriate time to re-live the moment. Also, there’s something to be said for passing on a moment which maybe more girls should do.
Click here for Lainey’s take on the evening.
This was the start of my friendship with Lainey, so the way she describes me is in that
flowery beginning friendship kind of way. I wasn’t looking like a major dog that night but the way she writes about me, I sound like I had a wind machine following me around.
What IS true though is that Colin Farrell straight up eye fu*ked me. I don’t know how to describe the looks other than to say that I knew exactly what was up. They were intentional which was nerve racking because that kind of flirt doesn’t happen often if ever at all with me.
I had recently broken up with a long time boyfriend and was coming out of my ‘I’m depressed-I’ll never find someone-I have nothing to offer” haze. I wanted to get my game on and who better than Colin fuc*ing Farrell. I know he’s a total dirt bag but when you’re newly single, dirty hot men are the best remedy.
As you know, nothing ended up happening. Colin laid the slut bait but I didn’t bite. I knew that if it was headed to the next level I was going to have to work for it. And in all honesty I’m a really lazy person and pretty chicken shi*.
So when Lainey’s post came out every skag asked me why I pussy’d out.
And this is why I did. When you have a big star like Colin Farrell there is no way in the world he’s going to grovel for it. I knew how it would go down--he would have fu*ked the fu*k out of me and sent me packing. That might intrigue some women but I have a real problem with getting ‘fu*ked’. I need to at least know that the other person is aware that they are having sex with ME. ie. Not using my body as a masturbation tool.
No matter how ‘empty’ the sex, you should always feel respected and I knew that in this situation there would be zero. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that taking a pass on ass (PSA, anyone?) can be a good thing in the end.
Can you imagine if Jessica Simpson or Taylor Swift passed on Mayer? If they didn't fall for his initial eye fu*k, (and you know he practises his eye fu*k in the mirror) the whole world wouldn’t know that Jessica likes to ride it hard napalm-styles and Taylor wouldn’t be writing songs about being used up like a dirty teen rag.
You think Angelina Jolie would bone any ol' eye f-cker? Hellz no. That's why she's with Brad Pitt and has an orphanage full of beautiful children.
If you’re still thinking to yourself that I was a total twinkie ass freeze in the Colin situation, there was also the realization that the chances of contracting some crusty ass disease was quite plausible. So if we weren’t just on the same page with the whole ‘respect’ thing, dear god, I hope we agree on a herpe vs herpe free life.
Now that Colin is back on the market though here’s a multiple-choice question for you: what would you have done?
a) It’s Colin Farrell you stupid bitch I would have dogged the sh-t out of that!
b) I would have at least gone up to his room and co*k teased
c) I would have bolted out the door too
I look forward to your answers. Let me judge you.
But all was not lost that night. Even though I didn’t get to hear Colin say nasty ass Irish stuff to me (I’m not going to lie his sex tape was pretty hot) it was still a really funny story that boosted my self-esteem for a week. But do you want to know the best part?
Close to the end of our shoot Lainey and I were figuring out questions or some shi* and Harvey Weinstein came up to us. I started to freak out because I had no idea what he was going to say. The whole night had already been such a trip, so was Harvey going to ask me to be in his next movie!?!?
Nope, not at all. He strolled on up to us and straight up handed me an empty glass without saying a word to me. In Harvey’s world I guess women who look like they are from The Orient holding a microphone with a camera behind them is wait staff. #Whatadick.
As soon as I took his glass, yes I actually took the glass, Lainey and I looked at each other, first with horror in our eyes and then we burst out laughing. I love the way life works. Just when you think you’re the sh-t someone takes a sh-t all over you.
Attached – Taylor Swift leaving Letterman last night. And Jessica Simpson at the Women’s Conference yesterday.
Photos from Saleem Elatab-AhmadElatab/Splashnewsonline.com and Kevork Djansezian/Gettyimages.com