That earsplitting sound you heard on Friday night was the collective squeal of a million McGoslings losing their sh-t over Ryan and Rachel’s together togetherness at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica.
Still a couple, definitely still adorable, even with the pink hair and the sexual predator moustache. In fact, I like the pink hair. I think the pink hair is cute. What I don’t like is the Soap Opera Style of the pink hair – so small town at the mall, so Steel Magnolias, so generic, and so totally unworthy of Rachel McAdams, don’t you think?
As for Ryan, even though he was insultingly ignored by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, many insiders are predicting that the same slight won’t be repeated by the Academy. He has finished second only to Forest Whittaker from almost every other major panel and has already secured significant recognition from the Screen Actor’s Guild which means the hysterical McGoslings just might have another Rachel and Ryan red carpet moment to scream about come Oscar night – a welcome change to be sure from the seemingly interminable intervals between sightings when the poor sods have nothing to do but watch The Notebook over and over and imagine what their idols might possibly be up to:
McGosling #1: I love how he’s smelling her hair! That’s EXACTLY what Noah would do! (faints, hugs self)
McGosling #2: I know, I know! And the way he took his sister to all those other events just so people would stop gossiping about whether or not they broke up!?!? He is, like, 100% devoted to her!!! Rachel and Ryan forever!!!
McGosling #1: Wait. Oh NO. Omigod. I just felt something. Like, something awful in the pit of my stomach. I can’t stand it, but I just KNOW it…I THINK THEY JUST HAD A FIGHT! I think they’re arguing…I can feel it!!! Omigod…I know it! Help them! Help!
McGosling #2: NOOOOOO!!! (Pause. Deep breaths.) But wait. If they’re fighting it just means they’re a regular couple. All couples fight, right? Don’t worry. That’s actually GOOD news! It means they’re communicating. They’ll get through this…I KNOW they will.
McGosling #1: You’re right. I feel better already. I think they’ve worked it out. I knew it – Ryan and Rachel can get through anything.
McGosling #2: Smiley face, smiley face, dancing hearts, and bliss. Ryan and Rachel Forever!
So please gossips…have compassion on the McGoslings, won’t you? Please keep sending in your sightings and your tips – you are medicating those who clearly need it.
Thank you, love you, owe you.