Ryan Gosling doesn’t impress

May 21, 2014 13:10:40 Posted at May 21, 2014 13:10:40
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Andreas Rentz/ Pascal Le Segretain/ Getty

Lost River was booed yesterday in Cannes. I mean there was some applause. But the jeering was much louder. And most of the high profile critics seem to agree that, well, Lost River just isn’t a very good movie. With the exception of Anne Thompson at IndieWire, Ryan Gosling’s debut effort as a director did not impress. At best it was an homage to David Lynch and his frequent collaborator Nicolas Winding Refn. At worst… “pretention”.

Is this a surprise? He’s the dude who strolls down the street in New York with a banjo-ish instrument in his hand, takes his dates to Disneyland, all ironically. And, as I mentioned last month when the festival lineup was announced, it’s not like there weren’t indications. Here’s what I wrote back on April 17:

Am very curious to see how Lost River will be received, how Gosling will be received behind the camera. Whether or not we can add “auteur” behind his name. Whether or not he’s more “auteur” than James Franco. And I so want him to be. But something’s annoying me already. It’s the character names for the film on IMDB:

Christina Hendricks is “Billy”.
Saoirse Ronan is “Cat”
Eva Mendes is “Rat”
Matt Smith is “Bully”
Iain De Caestecker is “Bones”

Why is Hipster Fairy Tale coming to mind?

Hipster Fairy Tale indeed. Here’s what Grantland’s Wesley Morris tweeted after the screening:

“If a $200 haircut and $900 shades were given lots of money to defecate on Detroit, the result would be Ryan Gosling’s directing debut.”

Jesus. I’m a big ass c-nt and even I think that might be too mean. Might be. Because at some point… ENOUGH, you know? Enough with the Francos and the Goslings who are so great at that one thing which doesn’t mean that they’re great at the other thing. The problem is that Ben Affleck, George Clooney, and Sean Penn gave them hope. The problem here is that they also don’t have enough Squawking Chicken in their lives. There is no one around them who’ll say, “Um, you know what? This sucks. You can’t be good at all of it. Why don’t you stick to what you’re good at?” It’s the celebrity equivalent of all the terrible auditions on American Idol. THAT’s what Ryan Gosling has in common with an American Idol contestants. And Justin Bieber.

Oh but what does it matter? He looked really good on the carpet.

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