The Golden Probe Awards

August 16, 2016 16:02:14 Posted at August 16, 2016 16:02:14
Lainey Posted by Lainey

The Golden Probe Awards were announced yesterday by Broad City’s Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson. Sarah Silverman, Samantha Bee, Jessica Williams, and Wendy Davis are also expected to participate during the show that will honour “outstanding achievements in the fields of sexism and anti-abortion extremism" to raise money for Lady Parts Justice. It’s satire, obviously, and I’m here for it. The promotional video for the Golden Probes is below. Are we livestreaming and live-tweeting it together that day?

In other Sarah Silverman news, she tweeted this yesterday:



And then Twitter outrage came for her father about being cheap so she had to follow up with a clarification:


While Sarah was joking, and her dad always tips 25%, um, some of us can’t say the same. Some of us have Chinese Squawking Chicken mothers who actually worked in the service industry for YEARS and still leave asshole tips. This is how I’ve bonded with a few of my closest friends – cringing collectively when sharing stories about our parents’ goddamn stinge, commiserating over all the times we’ve had to fake going to the bathroom or “oh! I left my phone at the table!” to go back inside the restaurant and pump up the gratuity.

If your parents are generous? Congratulations. You’ll never understand. You’re sitting there at your desk all like, why don’t you just tell them to tip more, your silence is endorsing this behaviour.

No. My silence is preventing the entire establishment from hearing my ma itemising in broken English all the reasons why her tips are sufficient. You think it’s that easy? You think it all works out like Leave It To Beaver? Where you look at each other around the dining table and calmly ask your parents to not be so skint with the tips and they’ll just smile sweetly and change their ways? You don’t think those of us who’ve had to endure this reality have already tried that only to be met with additional humiliation the next time the bill shows up and your ma tells the server that “you lucky I give you $5 more dollar my daughter make me ”.

And it’s not like it’s any better when we pay either. I’ve been paying for my mother for close to 20 years now. Even when it’s my money it’s a f-cking production because as soon as she sees me leaving the tip or signing for it, there is a loud and pronounced, “WAHHHHHH, why you so rich? Why you throw your money away so stupid? You so rich, give mommy your money”.

Trust us. It’s easier our way. Walk the parents out the door, run back inside, and then do the big top up.

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