Deadbeat, meangirled at work, he’s playing you
I've had a friend for 8 years now and she's beautiful, bright, funny, kind etc. but she lives with a lazy ass boyfriend I can't stand. Back track to 2005: She WAS engaged to the love of her life, wedding invites were out in the mail and they had a horrible car accident
He died instantly. Right in front of her - the absolute worst. She moved home to regroup and heal. She met this loser who took advantage of her grief and loneliness. He was in his 30s' lived at home with his parents, no job or car, his parents even paid his child support so they could see their grand daughter - guy's a total DB! example: for her birthday, HIS parents take them both out to Swiss Chalet cuz loser boy doesn't have any money. This would be cute if they were 14 but they are both mid 30's! Well, they kept breaking up and getting back together for 3 years and now they are living together in a horrible low rent apt because the lame ass wont get a job and she's paying for everything of course.
She even had to sell her car to keep the bills paid and I worry for her safety in this neighbourhood its SO bad. Meanwhile, her self-esteem is in the basement. She has lost so much weight, thinks she's still fat (crazy) and has no idea how beautiful she is. I am really worried about her. She has terrible anxiety and I just see her in this awful rut and I loathe this loser sitting on his ass smoking pot and playing video games I could punch him. She doesn’t have many friends and I hate to back away from her but this is depressing me terribly and if she can't cut this cling-on loose, what can I do? –N
This just gave me the major blues not only because your friend sounds like she’s in a deep dark hole, but that you’re not the only person as of late who’s written in worried about a friend/sibling in a unhealthy relationship.
It’s so sad that someone who seemingly has it all can think so little of themselves, so much so, that they’ll gladly eat life’s scraps. I think it’s safe to say that some of her issues stem from losing her fiancé, and I have no doubt that took her down one hell of a mental spiral. But if you remember last week, I mentioned that the most common reason you'll see people settle for less is because their fear of being alone trumps all. You’d think that they'd realize that being alone is WAY better than being with a soul sucker…but sometimes that warm body at night is all the comfort they *think* they need.
I know it pains you to see your friend in a sh-t-ass relationship, and I feel it’s your duty to shine the light bright on her current situation. As you say, she doesn’t have many friends, so you need to step up and have a real heart-to-heart with her. I know it’s uncomfortable, I know it’s awkward and I know it’s sad, but you’ve got to at least try and get through to her. Here’s hoping she’s reached her bottom and is finally ready to hear the truth.
Now N, be sure to not beat her down with what a big loser this guy is, because chances are she’ll get her back up and tune you right out. Instead, make this about her and only her. How you’ve seen her change and how her anxiety and insecurities have become so transparent that you barely see who she is anymore. Really lay it out on the line. I’d also do some research and source out a few good psychologists for her to call – every city has a Psychology Association with lists of reputable names and numbers.
I’d keep trying to support her until you’ve exhausted all options. If after that you see no change, then sadly yes, you will have to slowly pull away from the situation. At some point, being consumed in her mess will only harm you too.
Good luck and I hope that the next time I hear from you, you’ll have good news!
I am a socially awkward twenty year-old girl. It's a title I've come to accept. I've finally learned to accept that I'm never going to be the party girl, nor am I, really going to want to be. Making friends is never going to be one of my strengths. I'm never going to hang out with big groups of people or go to parties at the house of a friend of a friend of a friend's.
I found myself alone a lot of the days and spent my time counting the days until graduation. Which brings us to now, like a lot of people, I've had a hard time getting a job since 2008. When I complained about the economy to my parents, my dad decided to help me by asking a friend of his to give me an interview for a job that dealt with dealing with kids in this summer school sort of atmosphere. I was hired almost immediately and shortly after the first day of work began, I bumped in to an old classmate who I learned worked there as well. This old classmate of mine, who we'll call D, also happens to be my boss and one of the girls who teased me in high school. She's very nice to me and I feel like I'm getting know her more in one week than all ten years we've been in each other's lives. The conversations are light and not that important. But still, it feels nice to talk to her. Still, I can't help myself but envy her for the way she deals with the kids in the classroom, how they all look up to her. My old insecurities bubble up and I feel myself beginning to fall back in to my high school way of thinking. Like, she's so much better at this than me. And, why do I even try? It doesn't help when later, more people are hired and it takes them a shorter time to fall in to the rhythm of teaching kids than it did me. Not only that, but within days, the newer employees and D are best friends and spend their lunch times together, huddled in their corner of the lunch room, heads lowered in deep conversations. It's high school all over again.
The newer employees try to reach out to me as well, but, like I've mentioned before, I'm a tad bit socially awkward. I try to smile and be polite but making friends takes me sometime. They take my awkward smile as an arrogant sneer. They take my curt replies as a sign of boredom at their choice of conversations. Finally today, as I sat down to help a student with some math problems, I overheard the newer employees and D talking about me. Of course, I'll never know for sure if it was me, but I really do feel it was. The class, at that time, was acting up and several children were all talking loudly in excitement as they got ready for recess. So I'm pretty sure D and the others thought I couldn't hear them.
I manage to catch the end of one of the new teachers' complaints: "... wrong with her?"
While D laughs out loud before saying. "Don't worry about her. She's boring, right?"
So my question for you is what should I do? I don't want to ignore this any longer and I don't want my job to become high school 2.0. I mean, last time I checked, we were all in our twenties. Shouldn't this stuff be left for teenagers???E
I’m going to call it how I see it, so E, I need you to read this without getting your back up. I totally agree with you that ‘this stuff’ should be left for teenagers, but if that’s going to happen you need to be part of that agreement as well. I don’t want to come off harsh, but it sounds like you’re just as stuck in ‘high-school’ as they are.
I know it must be hard to forget your past, scars like that take years to heal – I get that. But I feel like you’ve got a really great opportunity in front of you here to prove to these chicks, and more importantly to YOURSELF, that you’re a person who has something to offer.
I’m not saying you should become some chatty-joke-cracking extrovert, but this could be a good time for you to learn how to start opening up. From what you’ve just told me it seems like D and the others have reached out to you, and while I know it takes you time to warm up, you can’t just always expect others to do all the work. You know? At some point you’ll need to push out of your comfort zone and break free from this self-imposed ‘loser’ mentality that is totally holding you back.
For starters, if you know your replies can come off curt then why don’t you try working on softening the blow a bit? Or maybe when you see D doing something great with the kids go over to her and pick her brain about some of her strategies. All I’m saying here is TRY with these people. I know it’s probably really scary because you don’t want to get burned, but if you don’t ever let anyone in then you’ll always be in this position. Trust me, not everyone you encounter is going to be a roaring asshole.
As for the whispers, it’s hard for me to speak to that because even you don’t even seem 100% sure that they were talking about you. Maybe they were and maybe they weren't….either way my advice would be to give this group a second chance.
E, it seems like you’ve found a job you love, which is exciting, so I’m just asking you to really take this chance to turn things around in your social life. Stop second guessing yourself, stop thinking people are out to get you, and stop thinking you're not able to make some great friends.
Listen, you’re only in your 20’s and quite frankly, this is the time in your life when you start to know yourself, step out of the box people have put you in, and start looking within to become the person you want to be. We’re all in constant need of improvements and while it takes a lot of energy, personal growth is important. Cheesy but true.
I hope this helps! I know the truth hurts sometimes ….I just hope this wasn’t too big of a whack. xx
I met this guy at one my then-good friend’s birthday. We had sex the first time we met because I initially had intended it for a one-night stand. Until he told my friend that “I have the tightest body he’s ever seen” so that triggered my curiosity to keep seeing and f*cking him even though I know he has a girlfriend (he claimed that it wasn’t a real relationship anyway). Then he did what I had wanted him to do, she left him because he said that he felt such a tool for cheating on her. That won me and convinced me that he’s down to start something much more intimate with me.
But after a while, our relationship becomes mundane and boring. There was no excitement anymore.
Fast-forward to 2011, we continued f*cking, and I thought to myself that we both feel that ‘us’ is not resolved yet. Until he’s started dissing me every time we mutually agree to meet. I want to cut my ties with him so I deleted him off my facebook, and I haven’t talked to the friend that brought us together (a different drama). But I still am not over him. I want him to know how little he’s done for me and has no right to treat me like crap, but can’t summon the courage to, and I always get lured back in when he asks for booty. How do I resolve these issues? Thanks.Lo.
I need to take a deep breath.
Okay, I’m back, sorry but nothing makes me more bat sh-t crazy than when I see a woman getting blatantly used by a guy. So Lo, girl, open those peepers because this guy is straight up playing you.
First things first, I need you to promise me that from this day forward you’re not going to be lured back. He could have one of the most magical wangs in the world BUT if the guy attached to it is an a-wod then it’s never worth the ride.
Here’s the deal, Lo – you’re listening, right? At a certain point you need to expect and accept more for yourself. If a guy blatantly disses your ass then I can promise you, he dun’ give a sh-t about you. Don’t get me wrong, he likes f-cking you a whole lot, but that’s all he likes.
Look, I get that a hungry girl’s gotta eat, so if what you’re looking for is a big ol’ serving of dick-stew, then yo, I’m cool with that. BUT the difference here is that you clearly have feelings for this guy and that’s where things get, well, not cool. Let me put it this way – when he’s f-cking you, he’s also f-cking with your head.
I know you want to ream him out, but trust me, you will still walk away unsatisfied. The only reason you want to confront him is because you think there’s a chance he’ll say sorry and you’ll all live happily ever after. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that ain’t gonna happen.
So what’s keeping you from NOT getting over him? What has he done that’s so terrific that you’d want to keep hanging around? Do you know what it feels like to be treated well?
Lo, it all comes down to self-confidence. If you can walk away knowing that you don't need him …then that truly is the best "last word". So I’m asking you to find some sort of distraction and move on - you’ll thank me later.
File photo from Wenn.com