Sasha Answers: Am I just a plant-sitter?
Sasha, I've been dating this guy for about five months now and I've really fallen for him. He's treated me so well and I find him funny, attractive, and all that other good stuff. He just left to go visit home for a month, and he gave me a key to his place to plant-sit. Last time I was there I was hanging out and watching some TV and went to check my phone and picked up his (extra) phone by accident. And I realized I could access his facebook. And so I did, just to check it out. I know...really shady behaviour. :(
I came across a message from about three months into our relationship where he was talking to a friend and she was asking if he had any crazy girl stories. And he told her that there were no crazy stories, that he was seeing me and things were calm. She asked if it was calm good or calm dull-but-too-bored-to-cut-things-off and he chose the latter and that it was sorta turning into a pity thing. And he said that he didn't know what to do because I'm so nice and good to him.
So, obviously this hurts. A lot. And it's been two months since then, so I don't know if things have changed for him. Around the time of that message I did feel like things were off, but in the past month things have been awesome. He's wanted to see me all the time, and when I saw him off at the airport he even cried and told me that no one had ever treated him so well and he's going to miss me. But I don't know what to think anymore. Is our relationship a sham? Am I a glorified plant sitter and he's gonna break it off when he gets back? Help S.
What stands out here the most is the crying at the airport. That seems like some odd behavior for someone who says they’re not into someone, you know? But even as I write this, it's so weird that I wonder if he was crying because he was going to miss you or sad from guilt that he’s been stringing you along this whole time. F-ck, now he’s got me confused too.
Look, things aren’t always bliss at the start of relationships; sometimes people aren’t all that sure right off the bat. And if you’re admitting that it wasn’t awesome for the first three months you kind of can’t be mad at him for having those feelings at the time. He was just being honest. But just because he wasn’t down with your cause at first doesn’t mean his feelings didn’t change for the better. You know?
S, the uncomfortable reality is that you’re just going to have to wait and see how this month goes. If he’s not calling or checking in with you while he’s away, well, that’s not a great sign. Now if that does happen, I need you to know that doesn’t mean you did something wrong or that there’s something wrong with you. Just because a guy doesn’t like you doesn't mean you’re defective; it just means that you two weren’t well matched. I see women do that all the time: shape-shift themselves in order to please a guy when in reality, the joke’s on them because trying to be “attractive” is what's so unattractive. Ya dig?
I leave you with Bonnie Raitt because this ginge speaks the truth.