Sasha Answers: BDSM -- it is okay?
Hey Sasha, I am a single mom who has not dated seriously in years. And I don't really have a lot of close friendships either. Somehow, I'm now involved with someone in my industry (we are working on a common project) in a bdsm relationship. It started out as a fun drunken hookup, but has definitely got more, uh interesting since then. He dates others and I'm fine with that. Not interested in him that way at all. And weirdly enough, I trust him. I am able to discuss my fears and reservations with him openly. But, damn, he is leading me down a path that scares the hell out of me BUT that I want to keep exploring so badly.
I've completely given up control and he dominates me. Bondage, humilation, pain. And it keeps going. Infrequently in person, but continuously by text. We both put it aside when we see each other on a professional basis. And obviously nobody knows about it. This whole thing is scaring the sh-t out of me frankly and kinda thrilling me too, Is it okay? D
I tried reading 50 Shades of Grey and I thought it sucked. Not only was the writing totally bojank, but the bigger, and frankly the more alarming, problem was that I knew there was now going to be a legion of women that thought a relationship like Christian and Anastasia was a good one, an enviable one. That terrifies me.
Look, the whole M.O of my columns is to make sure that women seek power in any and all of their relationships, and to me this book took us 50 GIANT steps back. Now D, having said that, that does not mean that I think BDSM relationships are demeaning or bad or dirty. In fact, totally the opposite - it just has to be done right and the very first rule is that the two people involved are both consenting adults. From what I’ve read about BDSM you can’t just grab a ball gag and get going.
If you’re going to get kinky then - get ready for this cheesy play on words - you’ve got to work out the kinks. Which means everything that’s about to go down has to be discussed beforehand, and although dominance and submission are the two roles, each individual has control and can say no at any time. This is KEY.
So D, you’re asking me if it’s “okay”, well, you have to decide if this is okay for YOU. Listen, I’m vanilla on top of vanilla so in no way would a relationship like this ever work for me, but if YOU can find enjoyment, liberation, and equality in this then more power to you. But before you get knee deep into the whips and chains I’d suggest educating yourself more on the intricacies of BDSM.
Hope this helps and keep me posted! xx Keep your questions coming to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.