Sasha Answers: Comparing myself to the ex
Dear Sasha I can’t help comparing myself to my partner’s ex (and mother to his child. I know all the rhetoric ie/ “everyone has their own beauty...focus on your own life” etc., etc but it just doesn’t sink in and I find myself scouring through FB for pics and asking unsuspecting friends and people passing ”am I prettier?” I also cringe when I learn of some new and great thing she is doing...
I try to focus on my own life, develop hobbies, friendships but I just can’t get past this need to compare and contrast with this woman. I don’t do this with other women. My partner compliments me and is attentive so it’s not him…..IT’S ME!! Do you know what I’m missing to get past this once and for all?
Well the obvious answer here is that you’re missing self-esteem. Look, we all get pangs of jealousy but C, you’re letting this get out of control and the really f-cked up thing is you’re only screwing yourself in all of this.
By focusing so deeply on all the things you lack, those weaknesses strengthen until one day that’s all that you or anyone else will see. You've got to come to grips with the fact that you will never look like or be like this woman, so what the hell is the point in putting yourself through all this? There is no point, and the sooner you realize this, the better.
Look, your partner fell in love with YOU. He wants to be with YOU. But if you’re too busy trying to be like someone else - who by the way is the person he no longer WANTS TO BE WITH - then WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!?!?!?!?!? Please tell me you agree that this is ridiculous.
Sometimes we start to will what we fear and C, if what you don’t want is to be alone you have to stop wrapping yourself up in all this useless insecurity and jealousy. You’re not only driving yourself insane but I’m sure everyone else around you. So my advice would be to start focusing on who you are and not who you aren’t.
Hopefully all you needed was this emotional bitch slap to wake you up, but if you still continue to struggle with these feelings then I suggest you seek out a counselor or a therapist to really get to the bottom of this.
Hope this helps and thanks for writing in. xx