Sasha Answers: FWB needs some tough love
About 2 years ago, I met “Brad” at a friend’s party. We hit it off immediately and there was a definite connection. Problem was, he had a girlfriend and a long-term one at that -- 9 years. So I stepped back, said a polite goodbye at the end of the evening and left it at that. Fast forward 8 months and I bump into Brad at the mall. He’s single, gives me his number and tells me we should hang out sometime. We start spending time together here and there. Very platonic, nothing romantic. The connection is still there though. He tells me that he’s not looking to get into another relationship right now, but just spend time getting to know interesting people. I was okay with this. We start spending more time together. After about 2 months, little things like holding hands and kissing start to happen. Then we start sleeping together. All the while, he’s very open about not wanting a relationship. The most he can commit to is friends with benefits. I was okay with this too.
But a strange thing started to happen. The FWB morphed into something more without either of us really ever saying anything about it. Taking trips together. Pet names. Ditching our friends so we can be together alone. Meeting family members. Staying over at each other’s places 3 to 4 times a week. He kept a change of clothes at my place. I got a drawer in his bathroom. Etc etc. He wasn't dating anyone else and neither was I. Nor were either of us looking. It’s a happy level of connectedness and intimacy that we both admit we’ve never had with anyone else. But no talk of it being dating. This goes on for about 7 months.
In May, Brad was invited to his cousin’s wedding. I assumed he would take me as his plus one. Imagine my surprise when he told me he’d recently joined a dating website and had invited “Julie” to go with him. I didn’t say anything, but I guess my face gave away my shock and disappointment. That’s when he reminded me that we were just FWB and not dating. He wasn’t unkind about it, just matter of fact. It still hurt though. I’m now finding myself making excuses for not spending time with him. Not because I don’t want to see him (I really miss him) but because my heart can’t take it. He tells me all the time how much he values our friendship and appreciates having me in his life. I know that I am just going to keep feeling hurt if I continue to spend time with him. I know I should walk away, but deep down, part of me thinks that if I stick it out, he might want to give being a bonafide couple a try and change his mind. Delusional, right? Sasha, please give me some tough love.
See? That’s why I think friends with benefits is such a bunch of horse sh-t. In my opinion it’s a total con job. Sure, it can work if it’s some short lived f-cking, but if you extend it longer than a couple of months and you start hand-holding and crap, well, there’s always one person who gets majorly hooped, and that’s where we find you.
First, let’s just call a dick a dick because this guy is a DICK. He totally played your ass and strung you along until he was bored and wanted to insert his penis into someone else. So if you want some tough love here it is:
HE’S USING YOUR ASS AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO IF YOU LET HIM.
Also, am I alone in thinking he’s a smidge sociopath? The ease with which he disregarded your feelings and the lack of remorse or shame for leading you on for so long reeks of callous behaviour if you ask me.
Either way, f-ck him being the focus, let’s pay more attention to you because that’s always the case, isn’t it? We invest so much time thinking about how, what and why the person wronged us that we totally ignore ourselves; this is why a lot of women get stuck into this pattern of constantly eating sh-t. And I don’t want that happen to you because you deserve more than some bottom feeding faux relationship.
The fact is buddy is just keeping you as a place holder until he’s ready for a relationship, and unfortunately that relationship will never be with you. I know you’d like to hope that you can press refresh and set the bar higher for yourself, but I don’t think that can happen in this situation. He will always know how little work he needs to put in with you and you will always know how heartless he can be. Neither of you can unsee or unfeel that. So if I were you I’d pack it in and call it a day. Never talk or see him again; seriously, cut him right the hell out.
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RICH SCHMITT/ Getty