Sasha Answers: Getting back together with my addicted boyfriend
Here’s the situation: I was dating M for almost 4 years, we met at university and we just fell so hard for each other. We took the same program, had the same goals in life together, had similar backgrounds growing up just everything fit. After university, M’s dad offered both of us jobs up north and after a lot of consideration together, we decided to move up there for a short period of time (2-4 years) to make some money, save, and build our life together while coming back to the larger city we both loved.
Since there was not much to do up north – work out, go to movies…. M started getting into painkiller meds. We had recreationally tried drugs together here and there, and had tried Oxy a few times and I do not have an addictive personality at all so they didn’t really affect me the same way they did him. He started to buy Oxy and doing them alone – without telling me. it turned into a HUGE problem. He was addicted to Oxys and I had no clue. He was started to change and I saw the signs of that part (isn’t hindsight 20/20) but I would have NEVER EVER thought he would get into drugs. No one did. Finally I realized what was going on and confronted him about it. He admitted to doing drugs and then I told his family about it. We had a kind of intervention and he went to detox. He seemed to be doing well but then of course relapsed and since I was on high alert, found out immediately and then he went to rehab for 30 days and then 3 weeks later relapsed again. Rinse, cycle, repeat. Typical addict stuff.
ANYWAYS, after almost 8 months of trying to help him be sober, I realized this was a sinking ass ship, so I decided to move back home in October 2013. His family was really supportive and they were all devastated about this whole mess but they knew I had to leave
I moved home and I started to feel so much better. I had cut almost all communication from M and his family, it was too hard and every time I spoke to him, I would either get super upset and cry or get super pissed and angry. He would email me and send me letters and for Christmas he sent me a necklace with a heartfelt note and when I got it I cried for 2 days. It was so beautiful but I was such a mess of anger and sadness.
So then, after a lot of soul searching, M decided to move back to the city. He had more friends here than he did back home and knew that the only way we could be together was if he moved. He moved here in March and I told him the only way I would meet with him is if he gave me a clean drug test, which he did. He had a hair follicle test which tested up until 3 months of use. He claims he has been sober now for 8 months. I have seen him a few times since he moved – I’d say probably 4 or 5 now. There is still some resentment and anger on my side for sure, but this guy I feel is the guy. There was some fucked up shit that happened between us, but other than that, we actually had an amazing relationship.
There is a lot of sh-t to work out and I believe that if we did decide to work it out, we would NEED counseling. He agrees with me and said that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. He says he knows how badly he fucked everything up but that he is in control of his life again and he loves me and wants to be with me and make up for this horrible choice he made that destroyed our lives together. So what to do? Sobriety is a HUGE part of this obviously for me, he is going to meetings, I’ve gone to ALNON, and even reached out to a friend of mine who is also a recovering alcoholic and cocaine user (5 years sober!) and they have started going to meetings together.
So now the question – what do you think? Do you think giving M another chance is being stupid? T
I always get a gut feeling after I read certain letters, and T, it sounds to me like your head is on straight and so is your heart.
There’s no doubt you've gone through more than most relationships could stand, but you made good strong decisions and came out of it in the best way possible. You supported your boyfriend as much as you could, but at the same time you had the smarts to know when to leave in order to take care of yourself as well. As hard as it was to create that distance from him, it was the right thing to do for you guys to have any possible future.
And “future” is the key word here, because I still think it’s a bit early to jump right back into anything. While 8 months clean and sober is amazing, there is still that golden rule that should be followed without exception: you shouldn't become involved with someone in recovery from substance abuse *unless* they have been clean and sober for at least one year. I mean, you would have been told that in AL-ANON, and I'm sure he's heard the same from all his meetings and counselling.
So T, all I’m saying here is to just take it slow. Every relationship has its complications, but you know better than anyone how much harder this is going to be, especially in the beginning. Everything is going to be under a microscope and tested again, but the good thing is, this time around you’ll have your eyes wide open.
Keep me posted, ok? xx