Sasha Answers: How Do I Break Up With My Best Friend?

May 1, 2012 17:24:25 Posted at May 1, 2012 17:24:25
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Sasha, I have been “best” friends with K For over 10 years.  We met while waitressing and since then, I have completed school and moved into a pretty successful career.  And not to judge, but she is still a waitress (ok, a little judgy).  Up until 2 years ago, K and I have always been there for each other, especially during the rough times.  Then it seemed she just fell off the face of the planet.  She would only contact me for free lunches and events, or just to party.  I called her out on her flakiness that summer after I had planned a night to cheer her up after a recent break up and she showed up 4 hours late, wasted, and with another girl I can’t stand. Not only was she a flake, but also incredibly irresponsible and I really felt like she just didn’t value our friendship anymore.  Then 6 months later, when I broke up with my bf of 3yrs, she didn’t even bother to return my countless messages for over 2 weeks, claiming she lost her cell phone.  Of course she apologized, but all she wanted to do was go out and – yes, you guessed it, GET WASTED.  That was pretty much the only time we would ever see each other, though I repeatedly invited her for coffee or pedicures or whatever I could think of that didn’t involve drinking.  

Fast forward to now.  I have finally met the man of my dreams, J, and we are building a future together.  Ever since J and I met, my friendship with K has disintegrated into nearly nothing.  When she met J she was quite rude to him, and ever since the initial meeting, she’s been wasted and rude every single time we’ve all hung out.  So, I made a promise to myself (the only New Year’s Resolution I’ve kept!) that I would put just as much effort into K as she does me – which has turned out to be ZILCH.  
Anyway, I am no longer in that phase of my life where my plan every weekend is to get wasted.  I am planning my future with someone who finally treats me right and I had hoped she would be supportive and encouraging.  So now, my dilemma is: How do I break up with my supposed best friend?   Do I even owe her an explanation?   Thanks L

 This is so weird, I was actually talking with my best friend this weekend about some of our close friends growing up and how strange it is that some just straight up phantomed.  I was searching for some sort of incident, some definitive answer as to why things ended, but there wasn’t anything I could put my finger on because L, sometimes people just drift apart.  More often than not you see friendships break apart when one person starts seriously dating and L, it seems as though this was the turning point in your friendship as well. While you were shacking up and laying down roots with your man, she was still, and still is, in major party mode.  

We all hope that our strong friendships can last through life changes, and some do, but L, your situation is a bit tougher because, heads up 7 up, your friend is also a flake.   Personally I’m wondering if she always was and now that you’ve had some time apart it’s become more apparent.  Whatever the reason though, it’s clear that you’re both in very different places in life and that common thread has been snipped.  
So back to your question:  should you explain the fade out to her? No, I don’t think you need to at all.  It seems like you’re both aware that the friendship is pretty much over and the separation has happened naturally, so bringing up “why” or “how” is just a little late at this point.   

I do have to ask L - you bring up her being “wasted” a lot, so do you think she’s an alcoholic? If the answer is yes, I’d still keep one eye open for her safety.  This doesn’t mean you have to be invested or sucked back into her world again, but you can’t forget or deny that you had a history with her, you know?  There was a reason that you two were best friends for a decade, and just because you’re not tight it doesn’t mean you should stop caring about her well-being.  So every now and again do some investigating to make sure she’s doing okay.  Okay?  Good.

Hope this helps! xx  And keeping sending all your style and advice questions to .

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