Sasha Answers: I’ve never been alone

October 3, 2012 15:37:46 Posted at October 3, 2012 15:37:46
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Sasha, I am 25 years old and have been with my boyfriend since I was sixteen. The guy, I am with is an amazing person, kind, generous, funny, smart and the list goes on. I love him deeply and he is the person I respect the most in this world. You’re probably asking, what's the problem so? The truth is I am continuously having doubts whether I want to be with him anymore.  He is the only guy I have slept with and recently I have started to wonder what it is like with other people. Another part of me yearns to be single, to live on my own and be completely free (as corny as it sounds). I have never ever cheated on him physically, and I don't believe I ever would in the physical sense as I care for him too much to hurt him. That however, doesn't mean I haven't been emotionally cheating. Lately, whenever I go out and usually when I am plastered, I become one of those women that I cringe at, that is I am looking around to see is there any guy looking at me and then delighted that they do.  I tell myself, there's no harm in this but the truth is I know it is majorly shady.

So why don't I just break up with my boyfriend? Because, I am afraid. I am afraid I will never meet someone who will love me the same way, or meet anyone who is as kind and lovely as him. I also am unsure whether this is just a phase I am going through, as I do love my boyfriend (I REALLY DO) and would hate to throw away a nine year relationship, simply because I am curious to see what it is like with another guy.  Help.  A

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Fear, as I'm sure you've heard, is not a great starting point when you have to make a decision. It will always shift you over to what feels “safe”, and in this particular situation A, I don’t think safety is what you need.

I'm sure you've had an amazing 9 years with your boyfriend, and it's nice to see you describe him with such wonderful adjectives, but I’m curious what adjectives you’d use to describe yourself right about now. How about Unhappy?  Lost?  Confused?  You might be surprised, but in a way these are all good things to feel, because life's telling you to go figure your sh-t out.  And guess what?  The only way to do that is to be ON YOUR OWN! 

Now let’s get back to this emotional cheating…

It sounds like a long stretch of your life has been devoted to another person – you’ve had to always take into account what they want and what they feel, and I think you’re finally coming to the realization that you aren't sure who you are without this guy.  That’s a problem because if you don’t evolve, you dissolve, and I think you’re starting to feel the effects of this. 

Look, my personal opinion is that I don’t think it’s healthy for you to have one, and only one relationship for the rest of your life.  I don’t think you grow that way, I don’t think you get to know who you are that way, and I don’t think you can be happy that way. 

Of course, I'm sure the thought of “losing” your only boyfriend seems horrific, but I really think this loss is your personal gain in the long run.  Listen, this doesn’t mean that your paths can’t cross again….it just means that you should be walking on your own one for a while.

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