Sasha Answers: I Dull My Shine Around Men
Hi Sasha, Back in March, I met a gorgeous, smart and funny boy at a house warming party. We went back on the first night which is supposed to be a mistake but we then went on a lot of dates and carried on seeing each other. We never had the conversation because as far as I was concerned, we didn't need to. We were dating, we were sleeping together (without protection after we both got tested) and he seemed very into me. Fast forward to last weekend when he was at a ball and he kissed our mutual friend's friend and it got back to me. I wasn't mad as we hadn’t had the exclusive chat but I was hurt and I asked for exclusivity. He said he didn't want a girlfriend but didn't want to end things and gave me until Sunday to figure things out. I went over to his last night to end things but in my daze after the Spain win (woop),I had left my wallet at my friends and my phone broke en route. So I was stuck there even after we fought. We ended up snuggling and contemplating an open relationship. He said he wanted to be with me, I hooked up with him and this morning, he decided he couldn't and ended things entirely. I just got dumped,'Girls' style.
Things are over, I've deleted him from Facebook etc so that's not why I'm writing - I know the door is closed. I'm writing because this is a pattern for my relationships. I was very good to this boy but he completely used me. My friends say I have a tendency to dull my shine around the boy I'm dating. I think this stems from my dad who has learning difficulties and anger issues. He left school at 10 and when each of his kids got too 'smart',he would flip out and threaten us. I grew up watching him do this to my amazing genius mother and how she dulls her intelligence to make him happy. It seems the only way to make a man love you to me. Advice? L
You’ve made this very easy for me by doing all the psychoanalysis because, L, it does sound like your daddy issues are making a dump of your dating life. Now, as you know I’m no therapist, but my first suggestion would be to go see one. It’s a great way to give a voice to those silenced emotions and really get to the root of the problem. You never know how this may have leaked into other aspects of your life beyond mere boy problems, so give it a try.
As for my opinion on this, I have to say there really is nothing sadder than seeing smart women dumb down, or seeing brilliant girls ‘dull their shine’. Once that happens, it's basically an invitation for the guy to think less of you. I mean, how can someone fully love or respect you when you’re only half there? The less you put out, the less you’ll get back – it’s just a fact. You can continue to play the sweet and passive role, which may pique a dude’s interest for the first while, but that gets uninteresting pretty quick. In the long term, it means you'll either continually get dumped or guess what? You end up with someone like your father. This is what Lainey refers to as sh-t vs diarrhea.
So L, you need to start setting some standards for yourself and trusting in your rad factor. Like, if a dude wants to be with you he better up his game too. You dig? I’ve been where you are right now; I’ve been that girl who tried to shapeshift her way into another guy’s life. It’s such a bad way to go, because after a while you not only bore the guy to death but you bore the f-ck out of yourself too.
The bottom line is that you’re the only one who can break this pattern. You’ll have to do the work and give that self-esteem of yours a kick start. Maybe it's time to take some tips from a man who transformed his own life pretty significantly, Tony Robbins – click here. He may be a bit of a cheese, but there’s no way you won’t pick up something positive from reading one of his books.
Hope this helps – keep me posted!