Sasha Answers: It’s Time To Leave The Deadbeat

March 20, 2012 18:36:08 Posted at March 20, 2012 18:36:08
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Hi Sasha,11yrs ago I met my husband S, I was 18 he was 20, I had never really had a relationship before so it was new and fun and he was well a bad boy, so of course that attracted me even more.  He took me out of my confines which I so desperately wanted but he also introduced me to a world of drugs and violence, he was up for charges when we met (hello red flag now). I managed to not get dragged into the circle and have never done drugs, never smoked (he does), I don’t like to drink, yes I’m a prude I guess you could say, but I like it that way.   He is happy and I am misserable. See we have had a lot of downs with his drug use and lack of thinking of anyone else in the money department. And while I have a minimal income of just barley $2200 a month with 2 kids boys 8 and 6, both with ADHD and my oldest has a learning disability things aren’t exactly easy especially with no drug plan. I love him and he has no where to go but I mean he is the father of both my kids but they don't want anything to do with him.

And well this month yet again he spent my rent money on stupid as shit without my knowledge, he takes and takes and takes has never put the kids and me first it is always about him and if he does not get his own way he has a hissy and makes me feel like shit when i say something.  I have given him so many chances and I finally broke down and told him last night everything, and he broke down in tears which upsets me but I just don’t know do I give him yet another chance or walk away... I have never even kissed another person in my life he is my first everything so I am worried I am feeling like this cause I just never explored my options.  I guess what I am trying to ask is do you think it is just a midlife crisis or do I need to really walk away.  I am so confused... p.s he has no job yet again.....

When people ask me the “Should I stay or should I go” question, I’m generally careful with my answer because I’m aware that I’m only getting one side of the story. Usually I think it's best to first press the pause button and assess the situation clearly before packing up.  But when it comes to your situation
I’m gonna go against my usual practice, because I think you need to get the hell out of dodge, like, yesterday.

Everything you stand for and believe in couldn’t be more the opposite of your husband's values.  Andsure, the old saying, “opposites attract” is true for a lot of people, but that usually doesn't apply when you're talking about a romance with a deadbeat.

I know the idea of leaving is scary, but from what you've told me, staying with this guy seems almost worse. You’re trying to convince yourself to stay, but why?  From what I gather you’ve been riding solo train in this relationship for a long time, so in terms of your personal welfare and happiness what's going
to be the difference if you leave?  I’m not saying it will be easy, but it simply can't be harder than living with a drugged up dude who steals from his own family.

Now what will be hard is the physical act of leaving. Your husband sounds unstable in a lot of ways and you trying to leave with the children could most definitely send him off the deep end so you need to be really careful. If you can find a professional in your area to talk to about this, that's your best bet. Let me know if you need some assistance on that front and I'll gladly research that for you. In the meantime, read this link about some safety guidelines for leaving an abusive relationship - click here.

I promise you G, it’s not supposed to be this hard.  This is not love; this is a case of toxic co-dependency.  There is a whole lot of happiness waiting for you, so take a leap and come on over to the other side.

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