Sasha Answers: Laying Claims
Dear Sasha, I have a friend, we'll call him A. A and I have been best friends for over a year, when we started hanging out there was an instant connection and we've basically hung out all day every day since. A couple months ago, a friend (J) who I dated up until a few weeks of this occurrence was driving me home from the bar. I looked over at his iPhone and this friend, A, was texting J for some late night booty sesh. J assured me he had no interest in A and that A had been making advances on him. Naturally I lost my sh-t, tried to do a barrel roll out of J's car, and didn't talk to A for a week. Eventually A assured me it was a drunken mistake and he knew J was off limits and I forgave him.
A few nights ago, similar occurrence, A left the bar with a guy, let’s call him Z, I'd hooked up with previously and who everyone knew I had had a crush on for years. A lied about the extent of the hookup and when I called him out on it, tried to turn it around and me claiming it wasn't fair that I've "stamped" all these men I've been with (In reality I only have 3 off limits hookups for my friends).
In accordance with my crazy, I sent A a text explaining how this seemed to be a recurring theme for him, that if he didn't understand why I was upset with him then he was down right selfish and I don't have time to waste on friends like that. That day I gathered all of A's clothes that I had borrowed, dropped them off in a bag outside his apartment, and sent him a quick text telling him I'd left his stuff there.
A hasn't responded since our initial blowout on the phone and it's driving me crazy. I want him to call so I can ream him out and unleash all my anger. I also want him to call because I want him to know how much he's upset me, I want him to feel bad for what he did but I don't know if I will forgive him.
Question is, where do I take it from here? Do i try and get in touch with him again, it's been a few days now, or do I leave it and try and move on? I say now in my anger I will never be friends with him again yet I can't imagine not being his friend, despite what he's done.
Please help! Why do I still want to be friends with someone who can be this mean? C
YAY! A guy actually wrote in! This makes me so happy C, but I don’t know if what I’m about to say is going to make you smile quite as much.
The whole claim game is a complicated one. For the one claiming (that’s you, C) it all boils down to respect, right? i.e. If you were a true friend you would never tap a guy that I had real feelings for. But on the flipside, when you’re on the hunt (that’s A) the last thing you want is someone throwing up cock blocks. And the reason this gets complicated is because there’s an argument to be made for either side.
Here’s where I sit on this issue. I think that at any given time there should only be one person that is totally off limits from your friends. If you’re laying claims on any more than that then I think you're just being greedy and possessive. So C, the fact that you have three is, well, a bit much.
Now, I have your back when it comes to J – I do think A was being a heat score for late night booty calling the dude, BUT when it comes to Z, I don’t think you have much of case. Sure, you’ve had a crush on him for years, but if A just became your friend in the last year, how is he supposed to be privy to that history? Regardless, let’s be real, just because you hooked up with Z in the past doesn’t mean you get to piss around him like he’s your territory. If Z and you have yet to have a relationship after all these years, chances are it’s never going to happen, so that means he ain’t yours.
The other layer that complicates your situation is that we’re talking about the gay community. And from what I gather from my boys, you can’t claim too many dudes because it’s just not fair. Like, it’s a straight up number thing. There are just not enough actual gay bodies to choose from, so if you go around barring off a handful of people here and there, you might as well just tell that person they’re going to die alone. Fine, I’m being dramatic, but you get what I mean.
Now C, where I do think A is to blame is in his lack of communication. He should have absolutely talked to you before he did anything, both with J and Z. As a good friend he should have given you the courtesy of giving you the heads up and he didn’t, so for that I think he’s in the wrong. Look, you’ve admitted that you don’t want to de-friend A, so be the mature one here and have a chat with him….one where you admit that laying claims on all those people was uncool, but him not being upfront about his actions was un-cooler. Cool? Hope this helps! xx