Sasha Answers: My BFF hates my ex

July 9, 2012 18:31:53 Posted at July 9, 2012 18:31:53
Sasha Posted by Sasha

So here's the story.  I was engaged to J last year.  We were together for just over 2 years....long story short- he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. I didn't really realize it until I was in deep.  We had a house together- and were on our way down the aisle.  Luckily, there came a breaking point and I managed to get out.  Since that time, I've seen a therapist and have come to grips with everything I went through (not easy). But I'm good now. I'm seeing someone fantastic- and life goes on.  The problem? My best friend won't let it go.  She always hated my ex. Not surprisingly, my relationship had put a serious strain my other relationships (my family, my friends...everyone).  She can't seem to let go of what a jerk he was- and references him in relation to my current guy a lot- constant comparison. If I say "yeah, I was unhappy"...she feels the need to point out "BUT you said you were happy! you were always faking it"...of course I was!  But I don't need to be reminded of it. all. the. time.

I don't want to constantly relive my mistakes.  How do I get her to let it go? Thanks S

S, first I’ve got to give you props for having the strength to get out of a horrible relationship.  Not everyone sees the light and gets out successfully, so I’m happy to hear that you’ve done the work.  Good for you.

Let’s get to this friend of yours:  I think the only way to deal with this is to be straight up and honest, because if you let this go any longer things are sure to get majorly f-cked up between the two of you.  So it’s time to bust some realness and lay it all out, but that doesn’t mean it has to turn into some big dramatic thing.  Just explain to her that in order for you to entirely move on from your past, she needs to too, so she needs to stop slinging the hurtful comments your way.  If she’s really a good friend she’ll understand.

Now you have to throw some empathy her way as well.  I’m sure you’re aware that your relationship took a toll on her too.  She had to watch you go through that mess and as someone who’s been in her place before, I can say that there is nothing sadder and more infuriating than having to stand by and watch your friend suffer.  What I’m trying to say here is that she’s entitled to her feelings.

So call her up and get everything off your chest; once you’re done give her the floor.   Let her barf up every last bit of angst and anger, BUT with one caveat….that after she’s finished venting, it’s over and done with.
Hope this helps and keep me posted. Xx

(Lainey: how long did it take Gwyneth to get over A-Rod for Cammie?)

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