Sasha Answers: My Boyfriend wants a 3-way
I have a sexual question I need an answer to. My boyfriend has asked that we engage in a threesome. I responded in my usual manner 'Can we have one with a man too?" and he said that was fine. In fact, it would turn him on to watch someone else have sex with me (although he wants to have them with women as well). Apparently he had done this with a previous girlfriend, go to swingers clubs, etc.
I am not a prude, however, to me this is not something I want to do with someone I am in love with, and want a future with. He keeps saying "It is only sex" and he won't think any differently of me. I can't say this isn't something I never thought about before - if it just happened, on vacation, with someone not serious. But with someone I love, it feels wrong.
I'm 38 years old, I just want someone who loves me and wants me. We have been dating a year, so it isn't as if we have been together for 5 years and are looking to spice up the bedroom.
My question is, am I out of the loop? Is this something everyone is doing and I just don't know? T
Admittedly I’m not up on the latest sex trends, but T, I think they call people like you and me monogamous. And sh-t, if that kind of outdated belief is the equivalent to mom jeans then I’m hiking those puppies up and working the finest camel toe you’ve ever seen. I’m totally cool if that’s boring and square.
T, obviously everyone is free to fly their own flag however they wish. The caveat though is when you enter into a relationship both people have to consent and be comfortable with how -excuse my frankness - they’re going to get f-cked. If those boundaries are not set, then things go to sh-t -- and fast.
I know couples who have implemented specific rules and regs and have made this kind of arrangement work - and more power to them, but I’ll have you know that they are very rare. From what I’ve seen, the system usually breaks down after a while and more often than not it’s the woman who pulls the plug. The problem with inviting three-ways into your bedroom is that you can’t all of a sudden be like “hey I don’t want to do this anymore”. All I’m saying is that it’s really difficult to go back to the way they used to be. <Cough. Cough. Demi Moore.> So if you think you’ll be able to appease him with a one-off three-way…dream on. This is not something he wants to just “try”. This is something he has done in the past and wants to continue to do in the future.
If my man asked me to do this I can honestly tell you I’d be out the door. There’s no way I would even consider the request. Like you, I want to know that I’m the only one for him, and even if one day I was magically vaginaless I’d want to know that I would be the only vaginaless person he was(n’t) having sex with.
So here’s the deal T, my instinct is tells me that you’re not cut out for an open relationship and if I’m right then you absolutely need to express this to your boyfriend. This all comes down to how each one of you wants to be satisfied. If a threesome is his bag – great, but that doesn’t mean it has to be yours. You know what’s coming next, right? I’m sorry T, but this means this guy may not be the right match for you. If buddy can’t live with being with you - and only you - then it’s time for you to find someone who can.