Sasha Answers: my boyfriend won’t hang out with me

November 7, 2011 18:17:15 Posted at November 7, 2011 18:17:15
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Dear Sasha, I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now and even though he lives a 15 minute drive away, I'm starting to feel like I'm in a long distance relationship. We only see each other once a week.  He claims it's because of "our schedules" and that it's not that he doesn't want to see me. I do believe that. Now before everyone goes crazy saying 'how can you fall for that crap?!', I don't think he doesn't want to hang out with me. What I think is that going out and getting drunk with his friends is more important to him.  I'm not one of those girls that needs to spend every waking minute with her guy and doesn't let him see his friends, I just think there should be a bit of a balance.  Now I find myself having a hard time not being stand-offish when we hang out because I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I don't want to break up with the guy. I do really care about him, we were close friends before we started dating and I feel that aside from this one issue, we have a good thing going. What I really want is to find a way to work through this and help him see my side, I just have no idea where to start. Any suggestions?~M

I’m going to need you to re-read what you just wrote so we can further discuss….

“I don't think he doesn't want to hang out with me. What I think is that going out and getting drunk with his friends is more important to him.”

Okay, M, just so you and I are on the same page I need you to know that by him choosing to hang out with his friend’s means he does NOT want to hang out with you.  To rationalize it any other way is just delusional.  He is flat out picking his friends over you, I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.  I’m not saying he doesn’t like you, but it’s pretty clear to me that you haven’t laid down the law, and if you want things to improve you’re going to need to do that.

Look, I’m with you, I don’t want or need my man around 24/7 either, but sh-t, one day a week isn’t enough to sustain a serious relationship at all.  And of course you’re being stand-offish, of course you want to punish him a bit – after all, he is being an insensitive a-wad.  But what I’ve come to learn over the years is that unfortunately most men don’t take those silent treatment cues as ‘sh-t I f-cked up I probably need to stop doing that’. Rather they just see you as being a moody bitch that’s probably on your rag.  Ugh.

The point is M, you need to have a serious chat with him.  Tell him that if he cares about you and this relationship he needs to buck the f-ck up and put in some quality time.  Fine, you don’t have to be that harsh, but you should absolutely tell him that one day a week is not good enough for you and it shouldn’t be for him either. M, it’s not like your requests are unreasonable or psycho territorial, all you’re asking him to do is spend more time with someone he apparently loves.  In order to be with someone, you need to physically be with them.  That’s some pretty basic sh-t.  

I hope he gets a clue soon, but if he doesn’t then I don’t think he’s worth much more of your time.

Keep me posted! xx  

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