Sasha Answers: my boyfriend’s warning

April 2, 2012 18:44:54 Posted at April 2, 2012 18:44:54
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Dear Sasha, I've been in a relationship with Z for several months now and things are amazing.
A few nights ago though, we had our first 'tiff' which was a total fu-k up on my end. Z agreed to come to a show which one of my friends was performing in. I had originally thought we would go see it on the opening night which was a Thursday, but suggested we actually go Friday as we both have work and school during the week. When I found out that a group of mutual friends shared between myself and the friend performing had decided to go on the Thursday after all, I changed the plans back. Z then got annoyed because he had already made plans. I know he was more mad at me changing the plans without asking or informing him first, and that it wasn't because he was missing the show. (He's seen and hung around my friends long enough that missing something like this is not a big deal.)

After some passive agressive texts on his end, i told him I am coming over as I don't deal well with texting. I arrived at his house, we talked things out, I apologized for not respecting his time and assuming he was free either night and told him that I wouldn't do it again. Everything was fine until he then said "Just make sure you don't because I won't put up with that sort of thing." Here's where I started to freak out. The way in which he said this after I had apologized for what was the worlds shortest and most insignificant disagreement caught me off guard.

Since then I haven't brought this up with him because I don't want to seem like a total psycho, but I can't help feeling that I am now walking on egg shells around him and the next tiny fu-k up will send him running.  This little disagreement is over and done with but those words are still stuck with me. Do I drop it and assume it just came out the wrong way? –J

I don’t really care how or why the fight went down, because that’s not the problem.  The problem here is that you seem scared to voice how you really feel for fear of what he’ll do. And that is NOT GOOD, J.  Silencing yourself will not only be the demise of your relationship, but also the demise of your self-esteem.

While every hurt feeling shouldn’t be the cause for some big debate, you do have to set some basic ground rules for how you plan to communicate with each other.  And J, I’m with you, I didn’t like his bitchy ass tone after you apologized either.  It was aggressive, threatening and uncalled for.    

Sure, it may have come out the wrong way. Maybe something in your apology got his back up. Or maybe he’s got some controlling asshole in him. The point is, you need to find out. So if I were you I’d sit him down and be very direct about how his comment affected you.  It’s really that simple.  

A partnership, relationship, commitment, or whatever you want to call it, is an EQUAL understanding. There are no owners and no bosses so J, you should never feel outweighed by his presence. Couples fight, they make up, that’s what happens – it’s how you remedy it that will really prove your staying power.  You can’t think that every disagreement is going to be the one that kills it, especially with how minor your fight was. If the relationship is that fragile then it quite simply will not be strong enough to last.  You know?  So stand your ground and make sure you are always heard.   

Hope this helps! Xx

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