Sasha Answers: My Critical Husband

December 19, 2011 19:38:31 Posted at December 19, 2011 19:38:31
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Sasha, I got pregnant 6 months after dating my boyfriend. I was 21 at the time and he was 23. We stuck through together, and 3 years later got married and had another baby. I'm now in my late twenties. I love my husband, but I feel no spark.  I dread having sex with him, and avoid it at all costs. But I still am interested in sex, just not with him. I keep thinking that this is a slump…but it's been going on for 4 years…I don't think this is a slump.
It's not just sex either. I'm not happy with the way he's been treating me and it's gotten so bad that this week my best friend had a heart to heart with me and told me she doesn't like the things he says to me and the way he talks to me. Truthfully I guess I'm so used to it that I didn't even notice. For the past 2 months he has done nothing but tell me what I do wrong. Anything from the groceries I buy, to how I cook dinner... what I dress the kids in, to where I hung the calendar on the wall…it's all wrong. Even our 5 year old noticed and one day as my husband was nit picking something I did, my son said "Daddy you're always telling mommy what she's doing wrong. She's trying her best" (I burst into tears and ran out of the room at that point-I love that kid.) When I brought it up with him his immediate response was to tell me I was wrong and that our son is just "too protective" of me.
I've been seriously thinking of leaving for the past year. But I'm terrified. Not only am I financially dependent on him, but I wouldn't put it past him to be incredibly vindictive. I started taking night classes and my husband came to the conclusion that I was sleeping with my instructor (he has no basis for this accusation and it's totally false) and one night as I was heading to class he said to our two year old  "Yep, Mommy's on her way to f*ck her boyfriend". Who says that to someone's child!?!?!????  He's also said if we were to split he'd take the kids and move out of the province.
I feel like I'm picking the lesser of two evils. Do I stay and keep my family together? Get to live in the gorgeous house we just bought, 'living the dream' from the outsiders perspective. All the while being incredibly unhappy with my marriage- I feel like a shell of myself. Or do I leave and cause a massive sh*t storm?

There are some serious red flags in your letter that I have to say worry me.  Some of the standouts are that you feel terrified, you think he’s vindictive, he degrades you, and that he may take your child.  L, this sounds like a dangerous situation and I’m concerned.   Right off the bat I want you to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and really ask yourself if this is you.  If it is, then as I’ve said many times before, you need to take the appropriate steps to get out.   Refer back to one of my past posts that will hopefully help.

Look, I get how daunting and scary this seems from where you’re standing right now, but the idea of change is always terrifying.  It’s only when you make a move into the unfamiliar that you truly learn something new about yourself and L, you’ll be surprised at the resilience and strength you actually have.  
What’s at stake right now is your happiness and that is far too important to ignore.  Trust me, if you feel like a shell of a person right now, it will only get worse.   At least right now your head is still above the ground, your child is young, and you’re only in your 20’s….these are all things that are working in your favor. But if you miss an opportunity to get out of a bad situation, you may fall deeper and deeper into the darkness.

Now, while I’m worried about you and your future, I’m also concerned for your son.  It sounds like a very hostile, negative and quite frankly damaging environment for him to grow up in.  Is this where he is supposed to learn love and respect?  

I can tell you that when my mom split from my father she left behind everything – the house, the money, the cars – but you know what’s f-cking awesome?  She got it all back on her own.  And as a child, to see your parent fight for themselves, more importantly to see them FIND themselves, I mean, there’s no better role model.  

I know this is a lot to process right now and I’m not asking you do this right this instant, but I do need you to start fighting for you and your son.  If I can leave you with a Rihanna tweet, yes, a tweet, and yes from Rihanna…Let go of the things that make you feel dead!  Life is worth LIVING!

Keep me posted!  Xx

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