Sasha Answers: My best friend is cheating on her husband

October 1, 2012 18:48:11 Posted at October 1, 2012 18:48:11
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Hi Sasha! I need some advice. I am a 41 year-old stay at home mom.  My BFF for decades has been married for 17 years. She has two children as well.  I've known her husband since I was 17 and consider him a friend as well.  So, she recently confessed to me that she is on her second affair and right now is about to leave her husband. Her "lover" has two kids (7 & 4) and his wife doesn't work.  They have been having a relationship for three months!

I don't know what to do. She and her family were supposed to come visit me this weekend but I told her I couldn't do it because it would be hard to be around the four of them knowing what she is planning to do. She said, "don't judge me until you walk a day in my shoes".

While I have been judging her, it's been behind her back in my own mind! I haven't said one judgmental thing to her. I am so sad at who she is.  Get she's unhappy and I respect that, but cheating, especially when kids are involved is WRONG.

Do I end this friendship? I just only see these affairs and her selfishness when I think of her? Help! T

I’m not down with cheating, but I’m also not down with abandoning friends when they need you the most.  By no means am I asking you to be her cheerleader through this, but your girl is going through some heavy sh-t right now and while you might not condone it, I don’t think de-friending her is the answer.

I understand that you’re majorly disappointed with the choices she’s made, but I have to say, from what you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like she’s pushing her problems on you.  It’s not like she’s putting you in the middle, or making it a wedge in your friendship.  BUT guess who is? You.  Seems to me the only thing that has affected the friendship is your judgment.  

Yes, I said judgment.

Come on, of course you’re judging her and of course it’s to her face.  I’m sure she’s sees your eye-rolls and hears the disapproving tone in your voice.  Now, I’m not saying that you’re not entitled to feel that way, you are, but after twenty-odd years of friendship you should at least be straight up and talk to her about  how you reeaalllly feel about all of this.  It doesn’t seem like you’ve done that and I think you need to.  

Again, I’m not saying what’s she’s doing is cool, but you’ve given me no evidence that she’s been a sh-tty friend to you as a result of her actions. So while you may not get or understand what she’s doing, you can still be her best friend….

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