Sasha Answers: My boyfriend and our habits
Hi Sasha, I'm in a relationship that I can't decide whether I want to be in. We’ve been together for three years -- since I was 22. Sometimes, this person makes me feel like I'm on top of the world -- so sweet, loving and supportive. But sometimes, I feel very uneasy and unhappy. This person introduced me to drugs, specifically cocaine. Before this I had never touched any drug except alcohol. Recently, I've been very uncomfortable with this and I want to stop and be a better person and get in control of my life. To look at me you would never guess -- I have a good job and a loving family -- but inside I am struggling. I don't want to do drugs and I try to stand by that, he always says he wants to change; we talk about it together and say we will stop.He wants better for us but then as soon as he gets drunk he buys drugs and me, being weak, I do them with him. I feel so ashamed and disgusting afterwards but I still do it. So many times, I've been on the brink of breaking up with him -- but the thought gives me an anxiety attack. I freeze. I can't do it. Sometimes I feel like he is the only person who cares about me or gives me any affection and support and I believe I owe him the same -- I owe it to stick by him. At the same time, I know I want different things. I want to be better. He says he does too but he never follows through, but at the same token neither do I. I feel so sad, ashamed, alone. I feel like if I leave he will get worse and I'll read his obituary and it will be all my fault. Help me -- how do I move forward -- what is my first step? Thanks K.
There is no denying that you have an addiction, but the main addiction is with this relationship. And just like with any bad habit, you have to break the cycle or it will destroy everything around you, and K, you seem smart enough to know that this is EXACTLY what’s happening.
Listen, I’m not here to make you not love him, but what you need to understand is that not all love is the good kind, and K, trust me when I tell you that this relationship is as toxic as all the blow you’re snorting. You’ve spiralled into such a negative hole that he’s become the “fix”. Luckily, you’re starting to realize (THANK GOD), that the fix never lasts, which is exactly why all these feelings of anxiety and shame and sadness are creeping in.
So my advice is simple: Leave him.
The hard part now is how.
The first step is to tear down the perfect little façade you've built and let people in on what’s really happening. So I need you to enlist a strong support system - a trusted friend, family member, counsellor - to get you through this because once you walk you can’t look back. It’ll be hard and he’ll try to manipulate you every which way, but if you truly want what’s best for both of you then you’ll need to cut each other out entirely – that means no texting, no emails, no NADA.
Now, I know you’re scared for his safety as well, so to ease your worry call on one of his best friends or even his parents to let them know what’s going on. It's your best option for some peace of mind.
From this point on K, you’re going to have some emotional work ahead to figure out what got you to this place. This means assessing everything from your love addiction tendencies to your feelings of self-worth. So yes, there's no denying you've got some heavy sh-t to trudge through, but you gotta do the work to get to the other, healthier side.
I'm here to help you get there K, so hit me back up with where you live and we can go through some options in your city for counselling and treatment of any sort if you think you might need it.
Thanks for writing in and keep me posted! xx