Sasha Answers: My cheating colleague
I have a “karma dilemma”
I work in a law firm, being a lawyer myself. There is that lawyer, whom is having an affair with another lawyer, in our office. They are very open about it in the office. The thing is, he is newly married. His wife comes once a while to see him at the office and they act just like friends when she is around, like nothing happened. I highly doubt she knows about it and now, they are looking to buy a house. I am usually a lady that minds her own business, but in this case, my heart hurts for the wife.
Everybody at the office knows, but her, like she is taken along for the ride. I am very torn between letting her know or not, in a confidential way (anonym email). Because if I was in her situation, and all the office knew about the affair of my husband, and I was the only fool whom didn’t know, I would like for someone to tell me. I fear for my karma, since I believe I should treat people the same way I wish they would treat me. What is your opinion on what I should do? Cheers! S
F-ck. I’m as torn as you are S, but let’s do each other a favor: let's lay out the two options and see how we feel at the end of it. Sound good?
1. You tell
Once you press send on that email you are going to wreak emotional havoc on this woman's life. And yes, while it’s all for a “good cause” you are deeply intervening in someone’s private life that you have nothing to do with. But S, if what you want is for this woman to know the truth, then, mission accomplished.
However, I do have to warn you that it does involve some risk. I mean, even this letter being published right now, right this second, could get you busted. I’m sure I don’t have to tell a lawyer to keep their sh-t tight, but if you go with this option....keep your sh-t tight.
2. Don’t tell
The reality is that a lot of women do know that their husbands are cheating- they’re just not ready to open both eyes. And I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with that per se; people come to deal with the truth in their own time at their own pace. They are entitled to that process.
That’s not to say that the process can’t or shouldn’t be expedited, but I think the best person to do that is someone who is invested in this woman’s well-being, rather than a stranger like you. You know? And since buddy is being so goddamn public with his cheating then it’s probably safe to say that his shady behaviour leaks outside of work as well. So I bet your office colleagues aren't the only ones who have clued in. I’m sure she has friends or family who may have an inkling too.
Okay so S, have you made your decision? Because I have! I’m going for #2 – Don’t tell.
Not to save your ass or anything like that, but it’s to do what's best for this woman. I really do believe that if she doesn’t know that this affair is going on, someone close to her does. And, if that is the case, then there’s gotta be somebody better than you to take on the job.
Look, the other factor to consider is that if she's in denial, or if he's king of the cover-ups, sadly your email might not even do the trick. At the end of the day though, the decision is up to you.....
Thanks for writing in and keep your questions coming to firstname.lastname@example.org.