Sasha Answers: My dad and all the women
Hi Sasha, I'm 32 years old and I'm sickened by my father's behavior. Here's the story, my parents got divorced when I was 6 years old, he then went on to marry a crazy bitch who made my life a living hell (she was verbally violent and she decided that I couldn't go back to her house because I had a bad influence on my father), he had two kids with this woman and stayed 10 years with her. BTW, he never defended me, I had to go through it on my own (thank goodness I had a good mom). He then got separated from her when I was 18 - I learned afterwards that he'd cheated on her for several years.
When I was 18, he got into another relationship with a fantastic lady (at that point a chair would have suffice if I may say so) who helped him and loved him through everything (my father spent 18 months at the hospital) and she also took care of my half-siblings even if they weren't hers. Skip to last October, my father calls me to let me know he's having an affair (why he's telling me? No idea), he gets caught and has to end it. Fast forward to last April, he calls me to let me know that he's moving out of his house May 1 because it's over with wife number 3. So, my father moves and starts seeing the woman again and then he called me at the beginning of the week to tell me that she's moving in. I'm like WTF??? He says he's super happy and never felt better and bla bla bla. You know what Sasha, I really don't care! I am over it (I wish) and I really don't want to meet this woman even if my father's pretty insistent that I do. What should I do, I'm pretty confused by all this and my reaction. Thanks!! MS
MS, let me be upfront. This has nothing to do with your dad’s swinging single lifestyle or whether you want to meet this new chick or not. This has everything to do with your relationship, or rather, lack of a relationship with your father.
From the way you make it sound, you've never been the first choice in his life. He picked every other woman over you, especially crazy bitch #1. This is clearly where your pain, anger and confusion come from.
Sure, I get that on a surface level it’s hard to deal with the fact that your dad is basically the suburban Arnold Schwarzenegger. It must be hard to stand by and watch that, but again I don’t think that's really the root of your issues. So it’s time for you and pops to lay it all out and start getting real about where and how and why your relationship got to its fractured state.
On a personal note, it was only in my 30s that I started to have any real conversations with my dad. It took me a long ass time to figure out the complexities of our relationship and pinpoint where my anger stemmed from. It has also helped me to process my own issues in an adult way. Obviously, when you’re a kid it’s hard to identify why something makes you upset or how it affects who you are, and I have to say that having these honest conversations with my dad has made a big difference in our relationship. I really hope that you get the same result.
Hope this helps! xx