Sasha Answers: My real fake proposal and wedding
Hey Sasha, Some background details: my husband and I started dating very soon after I got out of a long (4 year) relationship. I was an american living in canada on a work permit, and he is canadian. my work permit was set to run out soon, and I needed to apply for permanent residency or get the f-ck out. So, six months into our relationship knowing how serious we were - we decided to get married so that I could apply through him. Both of us have VERY loving families, but felt that our decision to get married would be seen as rash and cause more drama than we were willing to deal with at that time. We decided that we would have a "real" proposal and wedding later on - as we both really do want the chance to celebrate our marriage with the ones that we love.
fast forward about a year. life is really, really amazing. i love him more than i could possibly describe here. now the dilemma. I am starting to question our original plan of having a "real (but fake)" proposal and wedding. I feel like while we really want to have the ceremony and have everyone there - it feels wrong to be lying my parents.
i think my parents would be very, very upset to learn that we got married without telling them. what do you think? should we just go forward with the "fake" but still very real and important to us wedding without letting the family in on the secret - so that they can enjoy the moment. Or should we tell them that we are already married? If we should tell them, any ideas on how to do that?
I think we can all agree the running theme of my columns is all about telling the truth, so you’ve really f-cked up my streak here T, because my feeling on this is that I don’t think you need to tell your parents...at least, not right now.
First of all, I have to say that it’s pretty messed up that you didn't tell your parents that you got married in the first place. You must have realized this day would come, right? But fine, what’s done is done - I just wanted to throw some guilt your way.
Now the reason I don’t think you should say anything before this "second wedding" is not to save your ass, but to save your parents from any unnecessary hurt feelings. I think letting them enjoy the moment, even if it’s under slightly false pretences, is the goal. Let them help you plan, let them share in the joy, and let them be happy – don’t take that away from them. Because as you say T, this wedding will be just as special and real to them as it will be to you. And hey, it kind of works to your benefit when you do finally break the news to them because once they've been present to the "realness" of the wedding and the "realness" of your love, here's hoping they won’t be completely pissed at you.
When you do finally tell them of course, it won't likely be one big ol’ chuckle fest, but the idea is that it will go a f-ck of a lot smoother than if you tell them right now. As for when to tell them? Well, you gotta feel the situation out, but let’s say somewhere in and around a year.
Congratulations, good luck and let me know how everything goes!
(Lainey: Um, I didn’t know this movie existed but look at the stars. I feel better about my life knowing that this happened.)