Sasha Answers: Sex For A Widow

March 26, 2012 18:04:00 Posted at March 26, 2012 18:04:00
Sasha Posted by Sasha

I am a 33 yr old widow and mother of a small child. My husband and I had been together from the age of 17 and had an incredible relationship. We were lucky that we evolved together as we grew into adults, but we also both put in a lot of effort to have the relationship that we did. It was a good solid love that started with serious physical attraction and got stronger over the
years. I was blessed that I had the years I did with him, and know what a healthy relationship is. I've grieved, and still grieve, and put a lot of effort into my mental health after he passed. Our child was only a couple of months old at the time so I had the rest of my maternity leave to focus on healing with the support of my family and friends.

It’s now two years later, and I've started dating. I am very lonely and ready for a relationship. I met this guy – a really nice guy with a great job and some similar interests but not very attractive. It got physical after our last date and the sex was crazy good, but I'm still not really attracted to him. He obviously doesn't repulse me, but it only went that far because he is seriously skilled and I miss the physical attention so much. So this is where it gets confusing.

I feel like I'm using him, but don't want to give up the incredible sex. I've not really dated as an adult and don't know if I should just go with my gut feeling, or if that would mean I'd be throwing away a great opportunity. Help! T

I have to say I welled up reading about the loss of your husband.  I mean, I can’t imagine the immense pain you had to go through.  I know forgetting him will never be an option, but the fact that you’re learning to live and move through this speaks volumes to your strength.    
Now let’s get to the fug dude you’re riding.  If it makes you feel any better I had a short stint with a bucked tooth butt faced guy once.  I was newly single, lonely, and he was a great distraction.  It was easy for a while to close my eyes and pretend that he wasn’t feral, but after a couple of weeks I had to get real and own up to fact that the only thing I was attracted to was the attention.  Do I regret what I did?  No, why would I?  I mean, it worked for the time and when it stopped working, I lost his number.   
T, I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t think you should feel bad for getting your rocks off. Obviously you need to be straight up with him about your intentions (i.e., you’re not ready for a serious relationship), but if getting down and dirty with him feels good right now, then keep doing it.  Look, a hungry girl’s gotta eat.  So chow down with him until you want to move on to the next course.  Ya dig?
Having said all that I don’t want to see you sell yourself short either.  I know two years alone feels like an eternity, but I’d hate to see you cling on to the first guy you meet just because you’re afraid there’s nothing around the corner.  T, you’ve experienced true love.  You know how honest, raw and amazing it feels.  So continue searching for that and don’t compromise.  It’s not going to be super easy, but if you stay open and push out of your comfort zone, it can happen for you again.  

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