Sasha Answers: This is not the life I wanted
Dear Sasha I’ve been thinking a lot about people in my past, one person in particular. He was married while I was in a serious relationship. I don’t think he ever thought of me romantically in any way. He is now divorced and with someone new. I am married now. Thinking about him has made me realize I have so much regret about people I had serious attraction to, people I felt a connection with, people I felt fascinated by. But I chose who I chose, I got married, and now I’m torturing myself with what ifs and the recurring refrain in my head THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANTED. What are you supposed to do with that? I try to tell myself to concentrate on the here and now. Be happy with my life and with my husband. I still have trust issues due to his past behavior. I don’t have solid evidence of physical cheating, but there were inappropriate, flirty texts and facebook messages with three women that I know of over a space of two years. He has atoned, but I still dwell on it. He is now fully committed to me - I believe that - and wants to start a family. He's a good guy, but I’m not particularly attracted to him. Sometimes I don’t even like him, nevermind love him. Our sex life is not great, to say the least. But our families are so tight and everyone loves him. I don’t think I’m brave enough to walk away and start over. But regrets and what ifs are torturing me and I feel like I’m just existing in a bubble of unhappiness. Please help. M
Making a change whether it’s a job or your relationship or whatever it may be requires risk, and risk is always scary because there’s a chance you’ll fail, right? But M, if you’re this unhappy, this hopeless, this regretful, then I have news for you: you’re already failing.
I don’t say that to make you feel worse; in fact, I’m hoping it will empower you. In a way you’re in the best emotional place to make a shift if your life, especially now that you've admitted to yourself that where you are is not where you want to be.
So I say f-ck what’s “right”, f-ck expectations and f-ck the fear. Life is truly too short to be living a less than mediocre life with a less than mediocre partner. I’m not saying divorce his ass right now but before you start thinking about having children with this guy - which will really complicate sh-t - it’s time to see if there’s anything left to fix in the relationship. Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all the avenues for putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.
If you’ve done the work and you still feel the way you do, then I think it’s time to move on. Yes, it’ll be scary but wouldn’t you way rather live a life where you don’t know what’s around the corner than live a life where every next corner is a dead end?
I’ll leave you with a quote. I know it’s always a tad poncy but this one from Theodore Roosevelt is a sentiment that we should all strive to live by:
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure…than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
As always, keep me posted! And for the rest of you keep your questions coming to me at firstname.lastname@example.org