Sasha Answers: Trying to understand my scumbag ex
Three months ago, I had a messy break-up with my first long-term boyfriend, K. We dated for 3 1/2 years, I was a solid, supportive partner, and then he turned cold and distant over the span of about 6-8 months. When the break-up came, he cut me off for convoluted reasons that didn't make much sense at the time. I found out after the fact that K actually left me to date another woman he'd been hanging out with a lot. He left all of these details out when he left me. He was cheating, but was too cowardly to own up to it. To add insult to injury, I also found out in the break-up aftermath that he'd been flirty with other girls while we were still dating. So, he's a total scumbag.
These facts alone were painful to learn, but a couple of weeks after I found out about the new girl and the shady overlap, I discovered that K had proposed to new girl and they are already engaged. To recap, they've been officially dating for three months. Huh?!?!
This has me totally thrown for a loop. I'm happy to be out of a relationship with a deceitful person, but I need some help wrapping my brain around this. Why would someone who seemed uncomfortable with emotional honesty and a long-term relationship propose to a girl he barely knows? Is she just "the one"? (Ew, please say no.) Is this a quarter-life crisis? Why go from cheater and liar to seemingly happily engaged in the span of three months????? C
What I’m about to say is going to be easier said than done, but C, you’ve got to buck the f-ck up and get over this dude.
Look, you can stew about it all you want and question his motives every which way, but where will it get you? Nowhere. All that will happen, or rather all that is happening is that you'll stay stuck in some pointless holding pattern, thinking about someone else’s life that you have zero control over.
So instead of concentrating on why he’s moved on I think it’s time for you to concentrate on how YOU need to move on. Maybe it’s time to dig deep and see if this kind of guy is a pattern in your dating life. If not, then maybe it’s just time to learn how to mend a broken heart without projecting or investing negative feelings elsewhere. Ya dig?
I’ll leave you with a book I’ve heard great things about. Give it a read – I hope it helps!
Thanks for writing in and keep me posted! And for the rest of you keep your questions coming to firstname.lastname@example.org.