Sasha Answers: You are his sloppy seconds
Dear Sasha, I am in dire need of some love/life advice regarding my ex, I'll call him J. Here is our sordid history: I met J in 2005, we were co-workers, in our early twenties and after flirting for months we hooked up and started seeing each other casually. J is very smart, attractive, witty, and charming. After a few months we fizzled out - I didn't think that much of him.
Flash forward to 2011 and we randomly run into each other. He's looking for new employment, the place I'm working is hiring, and just that fast we are working together again. He flirts constantly with me and we start hanging out as friends (even after finding out he has a long term girlfriend whom he lives with). He talks about how he feels lost in the relationship with her, about how he's unhappy, and how he doesn't believe in monogamy. Then we end up fooling around. The guilt starts to eat at me, because I've never been that girl to mess with another girl's guy. I get angry at J for stringing me along too, so I end up emailing the girl, through her friend, about his cheating ways.
Luckily I find a new job, so I don't have to see him again. Six months go by and he texts me out of the blue that he misses me. In that time they had broken up, and he had been kicked out of their place. Stupidly I decide to give him a chance. We end up lasting one month together before he tells me that he is in no place emotionally to date, and he needs to spend time figuring out who he is by himself.
Again I try to put him out of my mind, but he tells me he wants to try and keep our friendship going. At first it's difficult, we have a couple of drunken hookups, but after many months of hanging out platonically, sometimes once in three weeks, sometimes three times a week, we are able to form a true friendship. Then he drops the bomb that he's moving from where we live to California - he met a girl who lives there, and now he needs a change in life. Before leaving he never even said goodbye. I tried to get together with him, but he kept blowing me off.
Now you are all caught up to today. He has lived in California for about four months, rarely keeping in contact, until last week. He texts me that me really misses Texas and he is thinking of moving back, as soon as March. He even asks if I would consider being roommates (just roommates) with him once he gets back. He says he didn't realize what he had until he lost it. I questioned him about his California girl and he said things went bad (they live together and aren't speaking, but it's not on his part so he says). I'm so conflicted about the whole situation. On one hand I will need a roommate soon. And I do agree with him that we would be, in his words "perfect roommates." I'm worried I have lingering feelings for him, which may be holding me back from being open to meeting a truly great guy.
You do see the pattern here, right? It’s clear as f-cking day that when things are good for him he could give two sh-ts about you, but as soon as things go bad, you become his "sloppy seconds" emotional crutch.
Look, I realize we make bad judgement calls at times. I know we try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I know we convince ourselves that it won’t happen again, but V, come on, the dude has stung you too. many. times.
I mean, every time you open the door to him he takes a giant dump on your life and then walks on out. And V, there’s no one to blame anymore but you because you’re making it way too easy for this guy. So it’s time to grow a set and axe this f-ckface from your life.
For me, the fact that you’re even debating the idea of moving in with him is worrisome. So let me cut to the chase with my answer: F-CK NO DO NOT DO IT. I will personally fly my ass to Texas and scour the city for your new roommate before I let you move in with this dude.
Lastly. Lately, what I have found most interesting in writing these columns is what the last line in someone’s letter reveals. This is what you wrote:
“I'm worried I have lingering feelings for him, which may be holding me back from being open to meeting a truly great guy.”
This is what it all comes down to because V, I can tell you that when you continue you to allow negative people from your past into your present you can never quite grasp the future you want. Listen, you deserve a guy who treats you well and once you realize that - which I hope is RIGHT NOW - you’ll free yourself up to find that truly great guy.
Thanks for writing in and keep your LIFE +STYLE questions coming to firstname.lastname@example.org.