Sasha Answers: a possessive friend
Hi Sasha, I've got a dilemma. First of all, I'm a happily married woman. Let's get that out of the way. I am a total extrovert and he isn't so I've got loads of friends to hang and do things with and that's how it's always been. We're cool.
I went back to uni for my Masters a couple of years back and I met up with a lovely guy that was my coursemate. We are like twins; finish each other's sentences, inseparable and I love him like he's my own flesh and blood. Unfortunately, we only had a year together and he went back to India where he's from. So we keep in touch by Email, Facebook, Skype, WhatsApp, whatever.
The word for our relationship is intense. I mean really intense. We basically opened up to each other down to the viscera and told each other everything about each other. Every other word was "love you". And I'm old enough to know this sounds really cheesy and high school, but it was real. Even our friends noticed and said we were like twins.
Cue to 1 month ago. Out of the blue, he's met a girl and there's no dating; they automatically go into full-on relationship mode. Me? I go into complete meltdown. I get angry, I get depressed, I rant to a friend. I feel abandoned. But I have no right. He's got every right to have a girlfriend and I don't want him. I just hate losing the intimacy we had. We talked about it, he says it won't change what we have, but for me, instantly it did. I don't feel I can talk to him as openly or make the dirty jokes, or just be me. I don't feel like he belongs to me anymore.
So now I'm avoiding him and making excuses not to talk for long. I know I'm being a bitch, but I can't look him in the face. And of course he wants to talk about his girlfriend and how fantastic it all is and all I want to do is grab him, scream at him and punch him in the face because I hate him SO MUCH for getting under my skin, making me love him like he's in my blood and then abandoning me. I hate him so much it gives me headaches and makes my stomach hurt.
On the one hand I think "how the hell can he not see what he's done to me?” On the other hand, I think I'm being a spiteful possessive bitch. WHAT is going on with me?-S
Good god, S, get a muther f-cking hold of yourself. I have to be straight up and tell you that the way you’re reacting in this situation is lame as all hell. How in one breath can you say he’s like blood to you and then in the same say you hate him for being happy? Damn, if I was him and this was the attitude you were throwing my way, I’d cut you out of my life STAT.
Remember the time I talked about fatal flaws? Could yours be that you need to be the center of attention all of the time? Whatever the case may be, it is clear that you’ve got a mad case of possessiveness and, S, it ain’t a good look. I know you can recognize that.
Isn’t the whole point of having true friendship to support them when times are bad and to cheer them on when times are good? If you have to think about that, well, then that worries me…
Look, I think it’s great that you and your husband have a relationship where expressing your love for another straight man every day is no big deal. I’m not being sarcastic or even facetious - I think that’s great - but not everyone subscribes to those rules. Your best friend has JUST started dating someone and I think it’s more than fair for him to give this new girl in his life all the attention in the world. This girl shouldn’t have to deal with another girl (you) telling her man she loves him every goddamn second. You know? So, um, have a little respect.
S, you know I’d have you’re back on this if I thought you were even close to being in the right, but girl, you are so in the WRONG. So, SNAP OUT OF IT.