Sasha Answers: My Brother Is A Dick
Hi Sasha! My brother, J, and I were brought up with strict Catholic values on my mum's side and ethical, sensible ones of my dad's. I've ended up a smart, savvy, logical, morally-driven, responsible adult with strong family values. J... hasn't. He does what he wants, when he wants, doesn't care who dislikes it, and then goes to my parents with his hand out when he screws up.
I've never been really close with my brother. I have been trying since I was 14 to "get him to like me". However, I was a fat, funny-looking, unpopular genius (technically) with a disability, and he was a good-looking, fit, popular type. While this matters in society, I'd hoped that it wouldn't matter to my brother, who's only 2 years younger than me. But it did, I guess. He was never interested in spending time with me unless there was something in it for him.
I've tried EVERY approach, from passive to pushy, nice to mean, friendly to aloof, and nothing works. Him being a dope dealer, I even gave myself a damn drug problem just so I had a reason to call him and spend a few minutes with him (stupid, I know, but I was desperate). I even lost 100lb in part so that he couldn't call me "fat bitch" anymore, and maybe wouldn't be embarrassed of me.
My boyfriend of 7 years, R, and I have moved out twice together and for financial reasons ONLY we were forced to move back in with my parents in 2009, who have been very gracious. Nobody loves this situation, but we pay our way and try to get along. J, meanwhile, still lives with my parents, deals drugs out of their home, smokes weed in his bedroom, bangs randoms on the regular, and when he's there he's either locked in his room playing video games or he's out. Spends zero time with anyone except to ask for money or complain.
After over a decade of this "I don't have time for you" crap, I've given up. He has been telling me things like "leave me alone", "stay out of my life", making various death wishes and piss-the-f*ck-off comments since he was 10. I'm almost 30 now, have apologized for being a mean 8 year old, and this is still relevant?
I'm so beyond sick of this situation. I know this kid, and if I thought apologizing would actually do any good, I would, in a heartbeat. I truly want to "just get along", but how do you force someone to like you??~ K
Your bro is clearly messed up. I know that’s not nice to hear or say, but it’s the truth. At a certain point you’ve got to stop blaming yourself and stop trying to be someone you’re not in order to please others, namely your brother and your parents.
Here’s another nugget of truth: chances are that no matter how much you will it, he’s never going to change. He’s a sad miserable f-ck and he wants you to be a sad miserable f-ck too. Every time you see him, his aim is to make you feel like sh-t, and so far he’s succeeded at this, so the first order of business is to get some space between the two of you.
Instead of focusing all your energy on fixing this relationship, focus on finding a new place to live. Money may be tight but save and scrimp every cent to get the hell out of dodge! You not only need the physical space away, but the mental space as well.
No one ever wants to abandon your own flesh and blood, but K, you’re the only one trying in this situation while he, on the other hand, is doing jack sh-t. Do yourself a favor and release yourself from this toxic cycle. Choose to surround yourself with people who truly know and see all the good in you – you deserve it. K, you’ve spent decades tip toeing around his ass and I don’t think you should put up with his bullsh-t anymore.
Hope this helps! xx