Sasha Answers: should I wait around?
Hey Sasha, So when I was 19 I started a new job and met S who I liked instantly. Around a year later he told me completely out of the blue that he was in love with me. I was very shocked and didn’t deal with it very well and basically rejected him. Not long after, he started seeing another girl from work (lets call her B). Slowly over the next year I started to realize that I was in love with him too so decided to tell him. I got a bit drunk and told him that I was in love with him and to please leave B and be with me instead, he said no but later told me he nearly came back to find me that night but B’s friends stopped him and he also didn’t think I was
Fast forward 7 years and I start to get emails from him saying that he’s no longer with B and is keen to know what I’ve been up to. At that time I was working in Africa so we just emailed each other every few days for around 5 months. So when I returned home 3 months ago I decided to go see him (we live in different countries but only 30 min flight away) to see if there was
anything between us as I know things can be very different face to face. We had the most amazing weekend together; he was incredibly sweet and considerate and treated me better than any boyfriend of mine ever did. We decided to meet again for another weekend together which due to commitments was 5 weeks away. During the 5 weeks we text every day, openly said that we couldn’t wait to see each other and flirted outrageously. BUT, a couple of days before our much anticipated weekend, I get a text from him saying that he’s just found
out that B cheated on him when they were together (and engaged at this point) and some people knew and never told him. His response to this was to storm over to her (they still work together) yell at her in front of everyone and put it on Facebook saying that she was a lying
cheating whore. This comes from the most rational and chilled out guy….so you can see why this reaction worried me. So I flew over a few days after this and we had the most amazing weekend ever, the most amazing sex and for the first time ever I actually felt true happiness
with another man. Then I did either a very stupid thing or very sensible thing. I asked him how he felt about me and if he sees any kind of future with me. His response was that he had feelings for me, really cared for me but couldn’t commit as it’s just too soon after her (it’s been nearly a year, but he only found out about the betrayal recently). He also said that he thinks he needs to be on his own for a while and he really doesn’t want to hurt me. We spoke for many hours
and I tried to convince him that I wouldn’t hurt him and that we would be happy but he still in the end said he couldn’t do it. So I told him I would have to walk away and that I believed he was making a big mistake.
So my question for you is, did I make a huge mistake by talking to him in the first place? Also I don’t know what to do with my life, I travel a lot as I hate where I live so part of me wants to either go back to Africa or make the big move to Australia BUT what happens if I make the move somewhere and then he realizes that he’s ready to commit and I’m half way around the
world?? So I’m just at a loss of what to do with my life now as well as being
heartbroken over him and missing him like crazy.
I hope you don’t expect me to rag on this guy and tell you what a low down dirty dickhead he is for giving you the run around because T, I’ve gotta chalk this one up to crap timing. And you should know a little something about that too, right? When he confessed his love for you, you bailed because you weren’t ready….
Look, buddy just got out of a 7 year relationship and while you might think he should have his sh-t together after a year, that’s just not the case – he’s obviously still working with a fresh wound and this newfound information about her f-cking around has unfortunately taken him a few steps back. The reality is he needs more time to come to terms with all of that before he jumps into anything new. Consider yourself lucky that he was upfront with you about this.
I wish I could tell you that if you just give him some more time he’ll come around, but the reason I can’t is because who the frack knows. It could go either way at this point – it all comes down to how he deals and heals from his last relationship. However what I can tell you for sure is that I don’t think you should stick around and wait for that to happen. What you need to do now is move on. I know that’s easier said than done but you have to just buck up and do it.
I’m not delusional, I know there will be a part of you that will hold out hope that he’ll come around, that’s only natural, but I can’t let you put your life on hold for him. If he doesn’t want to take a step forward with you that’s not an invitation for you to wait and pray that he does.
So to answer your question about moving – GO! If for whatever reason your departure triggers something in him, well, deal with that when it comes, but as of right now that's not the case. Sure, he really likes you, feels a connection etc…that’s all fine and great, but if he doesn’t want to commit to you then in my opinion that nullifies all the other good stuff.
I hope this helps and I’ll be waiting for a postcard when you land in a new country.