Sasha Answers: the old flame What If

December 5, 2011 18:55:49 Posted at December 5, 2011 18:55:49
Sasha Posted by Sasha

Dear Sasha, How do you tell someone that you haven't spoken with in almost ten years that you still think about and could quite possibly still have feelings for them. I have been dealing with this for some time now and just push it under the rug. All of this was fine and dandy until I got a message from him pretty much saying what I have been thinking all these years. Want to throw some reality into the mix?? I am married to a man who thinks I walk on water. The guy from school, who we will call X made is very clear that I was someone he felt he missed out on. While reading these words I completely felt like I was back in school again, pining over him. Here lies the situation...he lives cross the country and is wanting to meet up when he is in town again. SHOCKER- I need some real honest advice on what to do. Do I go and pretend like my feelings are still collecting dust under the rug or go and see how things play out?  Thanks O

This is interesting because as of late I’ve had a bunch of people write in with the same problem: Old flame rears head in some way, shape or form and person questions their current relationship.  It just goes to show that this is something that happens a lot so you need to be extra vigilant about what’s going on in your life right now.  Let me explain...  
Now, I’ve only been married for two years so things are pretty easy breezy, but if I’m being honest I’m terrified of when my marriage hits the double digits and things go to sh-t.  I’m not trying to be all Debbie Downer, but there’s no way you can be in the same company with someone for that f-cking long - day in and day out - and not hate them from time to  time.  It’s just the ebb and flow of any relationship, but it’s what you do at this stage (is ebb the bad one?) that either saves it or buries it. 

I think every relationship (minus an abusive one) deserves a fight.  Like, when times are rough you need to exhaust every goddamn option to save it.  If you've really tried and it’s just not going to work, then by all means call it quits – I’m totally down with divorce as the final option. But O, listen up because this part’s important… until then, you owe it to your partner to not f-ck with the integrity of your relationship.  And, straight up, if you go see this dude to see how it ‘plays out’ well, you’re being one giant shady muther f-cker.
I think a lot of people have that one guy/girl in their life that they look back on fondly and wonder ‘what if’.   And sure, we’ve all heard the occasional story where this works out: you know, two people who were together back in the day, randomly get reunited later in life, realize they were meant to be, and live happily ever after. Now, I don’t want to entirely dismiss that you don't belong to this tiny percentile, but before you make any move you need to have a real heart to heart with yourself. 

Could it be that this person just brings up certain good feelings about where you were in your life back then, as opposed to how you were specifically with him?  Sometimes that former flame gets mistaken for ‘the one’, when in reality ‘the one’ you want is, well, you.  You long for who you were, not for who you were with.  Do you get what I’m saying here?  Think about it because I think that is potentially where a lot of people go wrong.

Look the bottom line is something is up in your marriage that you to figure out.  I think it’s all good and great that your husband thinks you’re Jesus, but how do you feel about him?  O, you need to get to dig deep and work on that.   And trust me, bringing in another man from your past is not the answer.  Got it?  Good.

Keep me posted!  

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