A friend after breakup & expensive weddings
Written by Sasha
I need an outside, non-biased opinion on a sticky situation I’ve found myself in (again). One of my very good friends was recently dumped by her BF. This is the 2nd break up I’ve been through with her in the last 3 years, and her 3rd in 4 years. Each time she finds herself single around the 10-11 month mark, and comes to me/other friends absolutely shocked and dumbfounded as to why this is happening to her again, claiming the BF has given her nothing more than “were not compatible”. We know this isn’t the case, because the guys have shown us proof that she’s been fully informed. The thing is we all know why she’s being left behind....she’s demanding, high maintenance, expects her man to pay for EVERTHING including her personal shopping addiction, doesn’t put out, and is flat out mean to her men. It seems after being dumped, a crazy switch goes off in her head. She starts stalking the ex’s and her friends (to find out if were hanging with him), tells us we cant talk to him, sends ‘anonymous’ flowers to herself, creates fake facebook profiles for creeping, and has even made false pregnancy claims. The last breakup I was present for I didn’t see all the lying going on because I wanted to believe my friend, but this time around I’m recognizing all these same things Ive seen before. I have tried to help her see that maaaaaybe just maybe these breakups are the result of her own faults, but she’s either completely delusional or in denial. I refuse to go through the circus all over again, and am not sure how to get her to see that going crazy and placing blame on everyone but herself is not the key to her happiness. She is a great girl (I think?) and I don’t want her to be forever stuck in a pattern of having these amazing guys and then losing them because she can’t see the crap she’s pulling is wrong. Do you have any tips for dealing with friends who need a big reality check and smack on the back of the head? Please help save my sanity!
I’ve never understood behavior like this, because last I checked no one wants to be with a mental case. Like, you can’t pull sh-t like fake babies and still remain cool, let alone attractive to anyone. I don’t get the pay off.
You know they say Halle Berry is a nutcase, right? She’s apparently a mega biatch with her men. It just goes to show you that if you’re breeding that level of insecurity in your life, it doesn’t matter how hot you look in a bikini, the jig is up – you be crazy.
So how to deal with this…
Hmm. To be honest I’m split down the middle on this one. On the one hand I think you should say something, but on the other I think you should just leave it alone. Here’s why: It’s not like you can sit her down and say ‘hey crazy-face you’re being a crazy, so stop’. Your friend obviously has some serious issues and girl needs to do some serious soul searching to figure this one out. And while I commend you for being a good friend; you will not be the one to get to the bottom of it.
I have a couple of friends who’ve done some seriously wacked out sh-t with their boyfriends and it didn’t matter what I said. They could understand their blunders on an intellectual level, but it was easier for them to go back and do the same old crap. There are just some people who are addicted to that kind of dysfunction.
Having said that though, if you haven’t ever really given her a heads up before, I would definitely do so. You never know, she might actually hear you. So the next time her ass gets dumped and she’s stumped as to why, just be straight up about it. And if it was me, I’d go hard at it with the truth. I’d give her examples of the past and point out all the patterns.
The reality is that there are oh so many times you can confront a friend about being a horrible partner. If you continue to do so, it will start affecting your friendship. So after a few attempts I’d wash your hands clean, because at the end of the day it isn’t really any of your biz why she’s f-cking up her relationships. As long as her cray cray doesn’t creep into your friendship then I think you should stay clear from trying to fix her.
(Lainey: I know a girl in university who faked her own apartment break-in to make sure her boyfriend didn’t break up with her!!! It was … f-cked up. Like, she tied up her own hands and fouled up her own face and sh-t. Her friends stood by though and helped her through the instability…)
Dear Sasha, A friend of mine who I've known for about 3 years now is getting married this summer. She's getting married out of town, in her hometown which is 6 hours away. I was invited only to attend the reception which is from 7:30pm-1am. The cost of me renting a car and hotel etc to drive to attend this are too expensive for me - I'm a student who is saving for school who can't work in the school year because of placements. I have such a hard time in saying no to people but in this case how do you think she would react given that she only invited me to the reception, and it's 6 hours away, she knows I'm a student. When she first told me about it I said I might be able to go and hopefully would be able to get someone to come with me as its far and I don't know anyone else except her and the groom.
But with assessing my options of driving, flying, busing and hotel it's seriously cutting into my money I save for school and live on. The best option for me would be to drive up, attend the reception, and drive back right away (not sleep) which to me seems a bit much as it's 6hrs/direction. I'm not even sure how to go about writing the RSVP e-mail... any thoughts would be appreciated. FV.
I love weddings. Good, bad, embarrassing – I can’t get enough. This got me thinking. Lainey, what was your wedding like? Did you emote that day? Is there photographic evidence? I really think people would appreciate this information. (Lainey: remind me to bring you our invitation. You will DIE.)
Back to you FV, I think this is a super common problem a lot of us have been faced with. Sometimes weddings are in far off places where you either can’t get the time off to travel there or you just can’t afford the journey. But I get that you’re feeling uneasy with your decision -- if you have to haul your ass there and back, you’ll have your panties in a twist all day and if you don’t go, you’ll feel guilty that you didn’t make the ‘effort’.
It sounds like you’re still undecided as to what to do so let me make the decision easy for you – don’t go. Sometimes you’ve just got to face the facts. And the fact is you’re a broke ass student who doesn’t want to drive for a whole day to soberly chicken dance and then turn back around. It doesn’t make any logistical sense and while I’m sure the bride loves you, she obviously doesn’t care enough to feed you. That came off sh-tty, but you know what I mean…
As for the RSVP, I don’t think you need a write your life story. It’s as simple as saying that you are thankful for the invite and that you so wish you could be there to celebrate with her, but unfortunately you can’t make it. Get her a good gift off the registry and call it a day.
Have I relieved you of your guilt?
Hi Sasha, My boyfriend and I have been together for 5.5 years, we've had our ups and downs, but for the most part we've had a solid relationship. We've finally had an epiphany and came up with a master plan that we're both very excited about and can work together on. I'm being realistic and know we can't jump right into it, we need to save some money, sell our house, find a new place, figure out a business plan, etc. He wants to move immediately to get things started, he says that if we're not where we want to be then it'll never happen. That's not the only issue, I've told my Mom about our master plan, she knows how excited we are and she thinks it's a good idea except she's not sure I should be jumping into a business idea with my bf. She feels he doesn't pitch in enough, that I always nag him to do stuff, if I don't ask him to do it, he won't and then I have to do it...and she's right, that's exactly what always happens. Why do I have to ask him to cut the grass? Shouldn't he just see it's long and do it?? So now, of course, I'm stressing out, this truly is a dream of mine and if I don't do it with him, I won't do it alone. But how do I bring up the responsibilities issue with him wit out him getting offensive? When that happens, I'm such a baby, I can't handle the confrontation and I get all emotional, but this is a serious issue that we need to discuss.
So, I need help on two fronts, should we jump into it and figure things out as we go? Or should we plan and stake things out, then go...which will delay things considerably. But before we can decide on that, I need to know how to broach the very important issue of my Mom not thinking he's worthy and that he won't step up to the plate. :S
Can I just talk about Oprah for a second? I’m not even being dramatic when I tell you I’m lost without her. Her sh-t don’t stink in my books. And while I thought those two surprise shows were weak, I loved her final episode. And the part I loved the most was when she talked about fulfilling your destiny. Mind the paraphrasing, but there was a point she made about feeling your destiny in your bones, that rattling instinct that’s telling you you’re meant to do something. And S, it sounds like you’ve found your bone shaking destiny – congratulations. That’s the biggest step of them all.
But ‘how’ to achieve this seems to be the issue, right?
Let’s first tackle the situation with your bf. I mean, I don’t want to sound like I’m belittling your problems but um, I’m pretty sure most women would agree that they have to ‘nag’ their men to do sh-t. You know that puppet thingy when someone puts their arms behind their back and you slide your arms in place of theirs to pretend like you’re doing their arm movements?? Well, welcome to my world, because that’s how sh-t gets done around my house. So if he slacks when it comes to cutting the grass, well, I’m not too worried about it. I don’t think this is an indicator of bad things to come.
To me it sounds like he’s pretty keen to get things rolling, which is evidence that he’s in it to win it. And S, the truth is you won’t know until you try. Nothing is 100% foolproof, there’s always a bit of gamble…so you gotta give it a go. As for your mom, you’re just going to have to tell her to zip it.
Now having said all of that, I don’t think you should jump into this blindly. You absolutely need to plan a few things out before you dive in. The whole point is to make this business successful. And part of this is talking to your husband about your working relationship. If you’re afraid to talk to him before anything’s even started then sh-t, girl…
So buck up and have the conversation. Talk about the roles each of you are going to assume, how you’ll set schedules for free time, how you plan to support each other, the importance of a united front during times of disagreement, etc. In fact, you’ll be creating another relationship with your bf beyond the one you already have, so you will need to have some ground rules.
Look it’s not going to be easy, you’ll definitely have some challenges ahead of you, but if this is indeed your destiny, you will eventually find a flow with each other. I mean, look at Lainey and Jacek.
I’ll end on that ass kissing note.